Happy Empathy: A Love Talent to Grow

Mini-Love-Lesson  #260

Synopsis: Presented here are the many benefits of happy empathy; brain research on natural, inborn empathy; three types of empathy; empathy as a talent to grow; some important negatives concerning empathy; happy sexual and emotional, intimate empathy; and a basic how-to approach for developing empathetic skills.

The Many Benefits of Happy Empathy

Alex is a no nonsense, get the job done and on to the next task sort of guy with little concern or time for peoples feelings.  Zorba is a stop and smell the roses, enthusiasm for life and living it fully – a very feelings focused fellow.  Upon seeing a loved one smiling, laughing or just enjoying something, Alex feels and soon shows impatience and sometimes annoyance.  Upon seeing the same happiness in another, Zorba stops what he is doing and joins with that person showing them up-beat emotions similar to their own.  Then Zorba may ask questions, demonstrate happiness for their happiness and extend the good feeling time together.  This conjoint happiness is shown by Zorba for others having exuberant joy, serene pleasure, sweet feelings, pride and every other kind of happiness.  Alex sees such actions as frivolous and a waste of time and effort.

Now, consider these life quality questions about Alex and Zorba.  All else being equal, which one will be more likely to raise happier, healthier children, have more and better close friends, have a really good and lasting marriage, a more interesting sex life, more cooperative work relationships, fewer stress related illnesses and have a general healthier longer life?  Which one will accomplish more in a longer and more cooperation filled life?  Also, who may have more good opportunities come their way?  Who likely will be appreciated and respected more?  Most importantly, who probably will be loved more by others and likely have more healthy, real self-love.  In addition, who will more likely have both happy empathy and empathy for others who are suffering?  Finally, which one would you rather be like?

Natural Empathy

Do you ever yawn when you see another yawning? If you walk into a room of laughing people, do you start laughing too even though you don't know what anyone is laughing about?  If you hear a baby giggle do you start to smile?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, you likely have experienced  natural, automatic, empathetic responses including those of happy empathy.  That means, according to psychoneurological research, you probably have the innate brain circuitry for empathy along with its neurochemical processes.  Some people do not.  Many of those people diagnosed as sociopathic and psychopathic and those having alexithymic difficulties tend to have brain scans showing peculiarities, problems and deficiencies in the areas and circuits of the brain identified as processing empathetic responses.  Other brain research shows most mammals, including humans and perhaps birds, are likely to have at least basic, natural, empathetic response capability.

When happy empathy is done with someone you love, it is a part of connection joy, a natural reward function of healthy, real love (see“A Functional Definition of Love”).  This can be seen in parents who cannot help smiling when their baby smiles, proud family members at a graduation ceremony, close friends on reconnecting and the awesome joy of seeing your heartmate in ecstasy.

A Talent to Grow

Talents are innate, natural, ability proclivities you can develop and actualize with purposeful effort.  Empathy can be viewed as a natural component experience and/or companion talent of and with healthy real love.  Empathetic ability, like other inborn talents, is seen to be a thing you can work with, grow, develop and improve your ability to feel it, do it, convey it, exude it, hone it, shape the doing of it and more effectively and skillfully express it with practice.

When it is done well and lovingly communicated, both compassionate empathy and happy empathy are thought to be some of the very best and most important ways to love another, or for that matter to love yourself.  To help accomplish that, let’s do some thinking about empathy and happy empathy..

What Is Empathy?

In popular usage, empathy has to do with what generally is known as feeling another person’s feelings.  Empathy especially is a term widely used to indicate feeling similar pain for and with another person feeling pain.  If another person is sad, you are sad with them; if they are mad, you too are mad at what they are mad about.  If they are shocked, so are you, etc.  Their suffering is your suffering and, therefore, is shared suffering.  This kind of emotional empathy provides a basis for more accurate caring and comprehending of what another person is emotionally going through.  This frequently is seen as being quite therapeutic, surprisingly healing and sometimes even comprehensively curative.  However, there is a lot more to empathy.

Psychological research has identified three main forms of empathy.  They are called Cognitive Empathy, Emotional Empathy and a special emotional connected category called Compassionate Empathy. 

Cognitive empathy means mentally understanding what and how strongly another person is experiencing an emotional or sometimes a physical feeling.  It may include further understanding of the feelings cause, dynamics and possible results, along with what to do about it, if anything.  Cognitive empathy enables accurate understanding, identifying and constructive thinking about feelings.

Emotional empathy is having very similar emotional feelings to the emotional feelings another person is perceived as having, and perhaps to a similar intensity.  With this understanding, both good and bad feelings can be empathetically responded to and, thus, happy empathy is included in this category.

Compassionate empathy can include both of the above but with the addition of a caring desire to help, assist or alleviate another’s hurt or harm.  Motivated actions of support, assistance and/or rescue, if it is possible, often flow from compassionate empathy.  This especially occurs in all kinds of real and healthy love relationships.  Link “Empathy – A Love Skill”

Sympathy often is confused with empathy.  Sympathy, a much older term (sympathy from the 1500's, empathy from circa 1900) now is understood to mean feeling pity or being sorry for someone but not so likely as to motivate assistive action-taking.

Empathy’s Bad News

Some people have too much, automatic, compassionate empathy.  They can be overwhelmed by it to the point of becoming dysfunctional.  They cannot stop crying for, or being mad about another’s misfortune, or they may sacrifice too much of themselves or their resources needlessly, or their impulsive efforts of assistance or rescue may backfire and make things worse for whoever they want to help.

Compassionate empathy mixed with a lack of critical judgment sets-up many an empathetic person to be a victim of manipulators and the unscrupulous.  Without sufficient critical judgment and self-care, empathetic people often unknowingly can become well-meaning enablers of destructive behavior like harmful addictions and habit patterns.

There are people who seem to be cognitively empathetic, in that they mentally understand the happy feelings of others, but their response is to be overly envious or jealous.  Then there are those who, on perceiving and comprehending other’s bad feelings, get happy about it -- the anti-love, schadenfreude response.

What Is Happy Empathy?

Happy empathy is responding with happiness, or any other positive feeling, to happiness or similar positive feelings perceived to be occurring in another.  Relationally, happy empathy has a sharing joy-type of dynamic often very helpful with love connecting, bonding and unifying experiences.

Intimate Love and Happy Empathy

To have an intimate experience with a loved one and take high joy in their happiness, pleasure, fun, ecstasy and/or serene satisfaction, is what intimate, happy empathy is all about.  To have intense joy because a heartmate is experiencing awesome, soul-felt ecstasy, or simple serene closeness, or even laughter-filled silly, sexy fun, helps imbue a love relationship with very special, intimate, empathetic love experiences.  Empathy brings closeness and closeness circles back to intimacy which increase both.  That can happen emotionally and sexually separately or mixed together.

Intimate love, intimate sex and happy empathy all go quite well together.  That mix makes for happy couples, throuples and other heartmate partnerships.  Link “Throuple Love, a Growing Worldwide Way of the Future?”  It also can be involved in the more newly identified emotion of compersion and the loving with sexy fun phenomena of tertaliation which has to do with getting sexually and happily turned on by your heartmate being turned on to and/or by someone else, instead of being insecure and jealous (see “Compersion: A Newly Identified Emotion of Love”).

Some How-To’s for Happy Empathy Making

There are several approaches to creating happy empathy experiences.  It usually takes making several steps.  Here is one of the sundry ways one might go about it.

Usually, first comes either vividly remembering or finding a happy person to observe.  It can be a person of any age, gender or any other categorization.  Then, often comes deciding to slow any clamoring thoughts about your concerns and reduce the residual tension that accompanies them.  A bit of slow, deep breathing along with a bit of mild, slow stretching usually helps.

Next, comes really noticing, or vividly remembering, the really happy or otherwise positive feeling person.  Avoid thinking about why they are feeling good and just focus on how they are demonstrating that they feel positive.  Is it their face, or in their voice, or their gestures and posture changes, their general demeanor, is it what they are talking about or what is it that helps you know they are experiencing a positive emotion.

By the way, it can greatly help if you have in the past learned mindfulness techniques like being present in the now, having an awakening heart-mind, moment to moment awareness, emotion focusing, empathetic flowing, total otherness appreciating, etc.

It usually helps to do some mirroring movement which means to take a similar posture and make your face, body, arm and hand movements mirror, or copy, those of the happy person you are noticing.  Now, notice their voice volume and tonal qualities and copy those saying just about anything you want to say.  Keep moving like they move.  Remember that motions can change emotions and making similar motions often brings on similar emotions along with feelings of empathetic connection.

Some thinking about what is being felt, but again, not the why of it may be in order.  That is for identifying what they are feeling but needs only to be done in a broad sort of way for right now.  Getting too mentally analytical can take your focus away from your feelings which, in turn, can block the happiness empathy from happening.  Purposefully saying to yourself things like, “I’m really going to get into that person’s happiness with them, and because of them I’m starting to do that right now” while continuing the mirror movements frequently helps quite a bit.

Regard the first time you do this as a sort of pilot study or dry run and don’t expect it to work well but just orient you to the procedures.  Now, go looking for positive feeling people to practice on.  Some people do well to find stupid things on TV and, at first, turn off the sound and just copy the movements of someone who looks happy.

If, as you do these things, you hear anything going on in your head that is critical, disparaging or distracting, tell it to shut up and that you are attempting something new and different and are not to be disturbed.  Also, after you tried this system a few times, feel free to adapt it anyway you think might work better for you.  Know also that working at happiness empathy might just make some wonders happen in your life and especially in your relationship life.

One More Thing. Think about talking over happy empathy and this mini-love-lesson on it with someone you like or love.  Then do it and while you are at it, please mention this site and its hundreds of facts and ideas for improving love relating.  Thanks

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Love Success Question: How well and how often do you give your loved ones the love gift of your happiness?

Other Genders Love

Synopsis: Here we address these troubling yet intriguing questions: Are there more than two genders; What are other genders; Why does nature make more than just male and female; This mini-love-lesson ends with a list of the words and terms now used in the new understandings of gender; more.

Are There More Than Two Genders?

Yes, according to science there are more than just male and female.  Biology, physiology and especially the brain sciences, along with a good many other scientific fields show us this truth which is so troubling to many.  Nature makes humans and a host of other animals with other genders than just the standard two – those distinctly male and those distinctly female.  It is true, at least among humans, that most are easily identified as pretty much male or pretty much female.  However, though in minority, there are others.

What Are “Other” Genders?

We have known for a long time that nature occasionally produces people with the genitalia of both males and females.  More recently, the brain sciences have discovered nature makes a lot more people with the brain chemistry of both males and females.  Not only that, we now know that just about everyone has at least a little bit of both male and female neurochemistry and dual gender brain functioning.  We also have more people, than was originally thought, who are neuropsychologically one gender but their overt biology is that of the other gender.  Thus, in simple terms we have males in female bodies and females in male bodies.

We also may have people whose brain functioning and neurochemistry goes back and forth between being male and female.  Some other species do this biologically whenever there are too many females or males and gender rebalancing a population is in order.  Then of course we have those who seem pretty much male overtly except that they are naturally built to be attracted to other males and those who are pretty much overtly female who are naturally attracted to other females.  And then there are the bisexuals, many of whom can be pretty much equally naturally attracted to both.  Those varieties also occur among other species a lot.  The preponderance of scientific evidence shows all this variety to be natural and not at all unhealthy.

Why Does Nature Make More Than Just Straight Males and Straight Females?

One answer is that nature loves variety.  Variety has great survival value.  You never know when conditions are going to change and a life form variation is going to turn out to better cope with that change in conditions.  Seldom does nature make just one or two varieties of anything.  Think of leaves.  They all do pretty much the same thing yet they come in endless variations of shape.  A small minority are not even green but rather several other colors.  Other leaves are green part of the time but then change to a variety of other often vivid colors.  It seems nature is always making new variations and some of them have advantages in dealing with whatever the changing conditions are at the time.

Another answer is that there are unrecognized species survival contribution and advancement advantages brought to us by those having a not strictly male or female psychobiology.  For instance, it is thought by some that those people who are more androgynous (mentally and emotionally both male and female balanced) may be better at diplomacy, cooperation skills, democratic leadership, mentoring, mediation, counseling, personality assessment, cognition flexibility and altruistic achievement.

Previously and still in certain circles, androgynous people were/are negatively viewed as having what was seen to be the typical weaknesses of both males and females.  Consequently, they often were rejected and excluded as not being male enough or female enough depending on their overt gender identity.  Thus, the Renaissance Man was seen as a “sissy” and the Renaissance Woman as a “pushy broad”.  Both were “freaks”and “misfits” in times and places of high social conformity.

Do the People of “Other” Genders Have Different Love Problems?

Do you agree with these ideas?  Everybody needs love no matter what their difference is from the supposed norm.  Everybody who is different from the norm is in danger of rejection and worse from those who fear difference and desire continuance of the perceived and “correct” norm.  If you see it this way, then you can see how those who have “other” than the usual male and female ways may need extra love, acceptance and inclusion experiences to counter the anti-love events they may experience while they are trying to figure out and adjust to their own differences from the perceived norm.

Healthy self-love development is often an extra tough problem for those growing up or starting to live “other”.  Valuing, appreciating, accepting and honoring oneself can get really tough when faced with exclusion, rejection, criticism and demeaning messages coming from others.  Especially is that true if those anti- love messages are coming from people who are supposed to love you, like parents and family.

Romantic love often presents some very perplexing problems.  If a she loves a he and transgenders into a he, does that make them homosexual lovers and does that matter?  When a bisexual or bi-amore person is loved by both a male and a female can they all three live successfully married together?  If they do, does that mean they are illegally practicing polygamy?  Could you romantically successfully love a transgendered person who used to be the same gender you are?  ‘Is it real love or a form of false love’ is a question that is extra confounding for those who live in the various “other” categories.

Loving family and friends who may experience culture shock and/or strong religious values dissonance because someone is in an “other” category, also is a common but big love problem.  Experiencing being put down, shunned, damned, pitied, preached at or even ‘prayed for’ because you naturally are different is frequently quite tough.

Not hating but instead continuing to love the person or persons sending judgmental rejection messages, also is a love challenge and issue for those who are in some way “other”.  Sometimes in self-love, withdrawing contact from the judgmental and condemning is at first necessary for sufficient self protection.  Family counseling with a good love-oriented therapist is what helps the most, as I see it.

Strengthening oneself through therapy and healthy self-love development so that a love based re-approachment of those who condemn usually is the eventual best solution, from my experience.  Never making such a re-approachment can mean having a wound that never heals and a disturbing lack of closure.  Attempting the re-approachment too soon before your strong enough to be unaffected by the ‘arrows’ that may be fired at you can be disastrous.  So, great care is in order.

Love of children when there are gender issues presents a whole special set of challenges.  How does a parent deal with a child who is exhibiting a tendency towards some form of “other” gender orientation?  How does a parent best explain to a child that parent changing genders or not being of the standard male or female identity?  How can parental or family love best help children struggling with peer rejection because of some “other” gender factor?

Loving the Angry & Threatened

A fair number of people seem to be quite threatened, upset, in denial, and angry concerning all these new “other” ideas, discoveries and social changes concerning gender.

They want all of us to regress to the old understandings that there are only males and females.  The trouble is that science is showing those understandings to be inaccurate, inadequate and quite destructive for a considerable number of people..  Abuses of those who are “other gendered” are abundant.  Anxiety, stress, depression, family breakups, suicide and even murder are sometimes the result of the more extreme abuses enacted by the regressives.  With love must we not therefore embrace the progressive and constructively use the new knowledge concerning gender?  Those who are threatened and angry can, with careful love, decrease their fear and be brought along into a world where difference is so often a good thing.

Do You Know the New Language of Gender?

Recent research has discovered a lot in this area of gender and that has resulted in quite a few new terms.  These terms can help a lot for comprehending more fully, becoming more knowledgeable, thinking more clearly, talking productively, and interacting knowledgeably concerning gender issues.

To help you with that, here is a partial list of words and terms you may wish to familiarize yourself with and be sure you understand.  Affirmed gender, alternating gender neurochemistry, androgyny, asexual, assigned gender, bi-amore, bi-gender, bisexual, cisgender, cross-dresser, dual identity, gender dysphoria, gender expression, gender fluidity, gender identity, gender continuum, gender spectrum, gender predominance, gender web, homo-amore, hermaphodite, hrm, hir, medical gender transition, pansexual, polyAmore , social gender transition, “they” (singular), trans-amore , transgender, transsexual, transman, transwoman, ze.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: How much of yourself do you suppose is both male and female, and how okay (self loving) are you with that?

Related posts:

1. What about “Bi” Love?
2. Power or Love or Both
3. Men: Doing Well at Love !
4. What Makes Love Last?
5. Attraction or Love or What? 

Protecting Those You Love from Yourself

Synopsis: This important and possibly uncomfortable mini-love-lesson starts with explaining how real love is protective; alerts us to a common protection ‘blind spot’; explains overprotection is anti-protective; a prescription for self appraisal with self-love; and more.

Real Love Is Protective

Healthy, real love automatically involves the high valuing of the loved. Therefore, protecting that which is highly valued follows naturally.

Real Love helps us naturally to see after the safety and well-being of those we really love, safeguarding them if we can, from whatever might harm or destroy them including ourselves. By the way, false forms of love usually are not very protective.
In the Chicago slums where I spent some of my growing-up time, there was a sort of adage. It went like this, “It’s okay for me to fight my family and friends, but if you try to fight them, I’ll destroy you!” In my old neighborhood, expressions of love were seldom tender but they usually were often strong and clear, at least when it came to the love that protects. Of course, violence is not the best way to be protective; I’m just giving an extreme example of a verbal, protective attitude.

Our Protective Blind Spot

Just about everybody wants to protect their children from bad guys and bullies, but what if the bully is you? We don’t like to think about it this way, but there may be some part of how you go about your life that could be harmful to someone dearest to you. If you are going to be really effective at ‘protective love’ won’t it be good for you to start by evaluating your own, possibly harmful effects on those you genuinely love? Now, maybe you already do this kind of self-evaluation. Great! Maybe you even overdo it and worry about every single, little thing you do and how it might negatively effect someone you love. That has its own love effectiveness problems. You can be so worried about your effect on a loved one that the excessive worry will sabotage your effectiveness itself.
Let’s look at just a few of the more common ways we can be blind to having a harmful effect on someone we love.

Overprotection Is Anti-Protection!

Years ago it was discovered that lots of parents did not let their children go play in the dirt because they were protecting them from germs and the evils of dirtiness. It turned out that this was setting the kids up for not being able to fight off certain kinds of possibly serious infections. Ordinary dirt was just what little kids needed to help their immunity mechanisms develop. Sometimes overprotection has a spoiling effect. Bartley knew his parents would always bail him out of any trouble he got into, until his seventh arrest. It was only after that and six horrible months in jail that his judgment began to improve.

Of course, a lot of overprotection efforts really are self protection efforts. Here are a couple of examples. Bill would not let his wife go inside bars with her sisters because something bad might happen to her there. Actually he later admitted he was just afraid she would get attracted to somebody coming-on to her, and that person would treat her better than he did. Doris handled all the family finances and did not want her husband “to have to deal with money issues”. She died unexpectedly and he found out their accounts were overdue and all their other monetary affairs were a mess; Doris had been denying her inability to keep up the accounts – to herself and to him.

Overprotection tends to block people’s growth and their strengthening processes which makes overprotection anti-protection. Joe was vehemently against his wife taking a promotion offer. It would take her out of an all-female department and force her to mix with a mixed gender, upwardly mobile work staff. She would be part of lower-level, white-collar management and he was blue-collar with little likelihood of advancing as far up the ladder as his wife might go. It turned out that he trying to block her, cost him a lot more marital problems than supporting her job improvement would have.

Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between real protection and overprotection. It is something to keep working on, with love. So, ask yourself if you are doing things that might ‘protect’ your mate, children, family members, friends or other loved ones from the very growth challenges that might be good for them to have. Sally worked very hard at cleverly keeping her husband away from finishing his degree. She said it would take a lot of time, and cost too much money, and she was sure some of their friends would start judging him as “uppity”, and she didn’t want him to lose those friends. Then it came out. Secretly she was panicking that if he finished his degree he would start looking down on her and run off with somebody better educated.

What Are You Modeling?

Do you ever find yourself, kind of automatically, saying or doing something a loved one says or does? Or conversely, maybe they are saying or doing something you say or do? That is because loved ones kind of can rub off on each other. What we model and the examples we set can automatically get subconsciously incorporated. Some of what you are modeling may be very good and some not so good for those you love. You may want to protect your loved ones from those ‘not so good’ ones. If you are modeling fits or rage, hate, racism, abuse, neglect, addictions, poor self love, anti-love actions, etc. protection is called for.

Romantic Rage

Have you bought-into the myth that tells you love can lead to justifiable rage against those you love if you feel betrayed by them. Many murders of a spouse or lover result from this kind of belief about how love works. (No, Wrong, Untrue) Many battered mates or children, judged to be disobedient or violating some rule, also result from similar thinking. Along with this goes a sort of understanding that ‘if I love you, I own you, and because I own you I can hurt and harm you, if you don’t behave the way I insist you behave. Love give me that right.

My understanding is that healthy, real love of every kind, including romantic love, does not motivate or lead to hurting and harming those you love. It is only various forms of false love that do that. Love is protective not harming.

Protection and Affairs

Having a secret love affair, sex affair, one night stand, cheating, etc., even if you hide it really well so you “protect your mate from getting hurt”, is usually a really poor way to do protective love. We have a lot of problems with love/sex affairs in our culture, as do other cultures, but not all cultures. In some parts of the world it is understood or expected that spouses who have strong sex drives will have sex with a number of other people, and is OK as long as it is not done deceitfully or destructively to already established love relationships.

For a great many people in highly monogamous-oriented societies that seems both impossible and incomprehensible. Still, some manage to live honestly with love while swapping, swinging, doing open marriage, etc., and things go okay or even go better than good. Some even make the ‘secret affairs approach’ seem to work tolerably well. However, secrets, lies, deception, and the like, even if not discovered, tend to have corrosive relationship results. Truth expressed, even if disruptive, usually is far more protective in the long run than are lies. This is especially typical if the truth expressed is mixed well with lots of love.

Protection and Addictions

Substance abuse and addiction, and certain behavioral addictions and abuse syndromes are super-destructive to just about everybody in the addict’s or abuser’s immediate life. Spouses, family members, especially children, friends, co-workers and sometimes strangers are all harmed. The problem is the addict or abuser seldom sees how bad their effect on others actually is. Defensiveness, dodging and denial almost always reigns for quite a while, sometimes until somebody is dead.

Compounding the problem is codependency and the patterns of enabling. What is usually needed for all concerned is a loving confrontation with the uncomfortable truth. That usually is the only way to avoid causing or supporting serious harm being done. However, remember confrontation with out expressions of sufficient love tends not to work.

Self Appraisal with Self-Love

None of us is perfect. We are made so that we always can improve. To improve it often takes self appraisal, which does not mean ‘beating up’ or ‘being down’ on yourself’, or in any way being negative. In all probability there are some ways in which you have some negative effect on those you love. Just try to accurately evaluate what trends and behavior patterns you might exhibit which would be good to protect your loved ones from. Then work on it with forgiveness and tolerance, i.e. with healthy self-love for yourself.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Are there things those who raised you did that you wish they would have protecting you from, and are you perhaps subconsciously programmed to do something like that also?

What about "Bi" Love?

Synopsis: Betty’s Bi Love dilemma; can a Bi be happily well loved?; what is Bi exactly?; where does Bi come from?; Bi or gay?, more Bi males or females?; can you become Bi; Bi’s and marriage?; are you ready for a more Bi world?; can Bi love be healthy, real love?

Betty’s ‘Bi’ Love Dilemma

“What am I to do?  I am madly in love with an astonishing man but I’m also passionately, deeply in love with an absolutely wonderful woman.

Not only that but they both are incredible in bed, although really different from each other!  But it’s a whole lot more than just sex, its romance and it’s being able to talk with each other and hanging out, it’s everything.  I so want them both, and I can’t give either one of them up.  Do I have to choose?  There are other problems though.  What will my children think?  Then there’s my parents and family, and I have some really conservative friends, and what about my neighbors when my lovers visit, and do I dare talk this over with my preacher?  Am I headed toward disaster?  Is there any way all this can work? 

Both of them are starting to hint about marriage.  What in the world am I going to do about that?  Do I introduce them to each other and see if we can try to be some kind of threesome?  As a bisexual can I be happy and well loved or am I doomed to always be in some kind of big, bad, love mess?” These and many other such questions drove Betty to seek help for her ‘Bi’ dilemma.  Can you guess how she came to resolve her dilemma?  Study what comes next and see if you can figure it out.

Can ‘Bi’s’ be happily well loved?

In answer to this question I have heard a ‘Bi’ say, “Yes, definitely.  We, who are Bi, can be far better loved than most people because we have all the joys and everything else a male and a female lover can give.  From my point of view that’s twice as good as what straight or gay people get”.  I have also heard ‘Bi’s’ say things like, “For me being Bi is absolute hell because both my partners want me to pick one of them and give up the other.  They’re always pulling and tugging at me and there’s just way too much drama.  Every time I try to choose one I end up going back the other way.  It seems endless”.

For Bi’s who can choose both loves, and continue to be chosen by both, it can be wonderful but very, very busy.  Bi people with two lovers also talk of their situation being quite demanding and often exhausting.  However, breakups often are rather easier because there is always the other lover already in place offering comfort and solace.  Thus, there are seldom abandoned or all alone situations.
Some Bi’s live happily in a married lifestyle with one lover while frequently seeing their other lover.  Quite a few seem to try living as a threesome, or each living under a different roof but getting together frequently both as  twosomes but also regularly as a threesome.  Various forms of open marriage are tried and there are some who secretly live in larger group marriages.  It is thought quite a few Bi’s take part in polyamore affiliations.

The truth is, just like gays and heterosexuals, some live happily, some live sort of mediocre and some repeatedly are in relationship struggles and agony.  I think mostly it has do with whether or not the people involved know how to do healthy, real love with one another, or not.  Then there are those people who are bisexual but they cannot break out of their family and cultural heterosexual training, so they forever are battling to live “traditionally” or what gets called ‘normally’ but often that doesn’t work out well.

“Yes” is the short answer to the questions “can Bi’s live happily, well loved” and a considerable number do, especially if they learn and practice healthy, real love but it also is true that there are Bi’s that don’t.

What Is ‘Bi’ Actually?

‘Bi’ is a term relating to two different but often integrated phenomena.  One has to do with sex and the other to romantic love.  It might be better if there was wide usage of a term like Bi-Amore along with the word bisexual.  Bi-Amore refers to a relationship which is characterized by mutual deep care, emotional intercourse and intimacy, kindness, precious interaction, shared feeling at every level, high personal valuing of one another, and joy and happiness in the well being of one another – or in a word, LOVE.  Therefore, it is not so much about sex as it is about healthy, real love being given and received.

Some people, it seems, are sexually attracted to both males and females naturally.  Some people naturally, romantically form a ‘couple’s type’ love relationship with people of either or both genders.  There seem to be those who only will experience spousal mate love with people of one gender but find both genders sexually enjoyable.  There are those who can have a close, bonded, intimate spouse-like love with one gender but they want sex with the other gender.  Those who can have a spousal love with two genders but sex with only one gender also exist.  The term ‘Bi’ and the word bisexual can be and is applied to all of these.

Where Does ‘Bi’ Come from?

The available scientific evidence today points to there naturally being a certain percentage of people who are ‘Bi’.  This natural percentage of ‘Bi’s’ also seems to occur in quite a few species.  Not only that but there are species that are heterosexual part of the time, homosexual part of the time and bisexual part of the time.  Among humans some researchers suggest everyone is it least a little bit ‘Bi’.  By one definition, the term bisexual is everyone who ever has had any sexual attraction feelings toward both, any male and any female.  ‘Bi’, therefore, is everyone, subconsciously if not consciously – or so the thinking goes.  People who have close, intimate, natural love for both males and females have been considered ‘Bi’ or Bi-Amore by some.  In any case, the simple answer is all types of sexual preference, and love preferences too, probably come from nature.

Bi or Gay?

For a while it was popular in some circles for people to believe all ‘Bi’ people really were homosexual and were in denial or disguise.  Recent research disagrees.  The available scientific evidence says there are many species, including humans, who are born with a natural, mate-bonding proclivity to both genders.

More Bi Males or Females?

No one knows for sure but there is evidence suggesting more females than males are becoming OK with bisexual and bi-amore involvement.  Perhaps they have a ‘bi’ component in their personality or genetics, or they just might be more willing to experiment with different sexual and love relationships.  Then again, they just could be born more sexually flexible.  Traditionally males get more anti-homosexual training than women and that may play a big role here also.

Can You Become Bi?

In some people their Bi nature seems to emerge later in life after having lived heterosexual or homosexual for many years.  Some people try being Bi when they learn their spouse or lover wants them to do so.  Some of them like it and keep desiring Bi experiences and some do not, while still others can ‘take it or leave it’.  Naturally those who have a good first Bi experience are more prone to having other Bi experiences.  Those who have bad experiences, especially two or three in a row, tend not to attempt additional Bi experiences.

It appears that a fair number of people who experience strong, intimate love for someone of their own gender and also have a lover of the opposite gender often engage in threesomes which may later change to at least occasional twosomes with both.  There are quite a few who will engage in what might be called the homosexual part of being bi only when their opposite gender partner is present and participating..  To get the flavor of this listen to Blake.  “I tried being Bi because I love my wife so much, and she got the most turned on being with two men, and especially watching two men ‘get it on’ with each other.  She also gets turned on by women, just like me, so quite often we are sexual with other Bi couples.

When we date other couples it’s likely we will all ‘get it on’ with everybody, every which way.  Neither one of us would ever do anything without the other being there too because that just wouldn’t be exciting or satisfying.  I don’t think I could genuinely love or lust for another guy like she might, and I think she’s pretty much the same, so none of this is really homosexual, it’s all just part of being Bi the way we do it.”

So, the short answer here seems to be “yes” you might be able to become sort of semi-Bi if you wanted to and tried hard enough.  However, probably for the majority of Bi’s their Bi-ness has a natural, genetic basis.

What about Bi’s and Marriage?

Listen to Smitty who said, “I was so happy to find out my wife was bisexual.  I’m one of those guys who just has to have sex with other women.  So years ago Kate, my wife, and I went looking for other females, and since then we’ve been sharing sex with several, and with one it’s grown into a real, lasting, love relationship”.  And listen to Molly.  “Like a lot of other bisexuals I know, I live in what outwardly looks like a traditional marriage but secretly it’s not traditional at all.  I got into having sex with both males and females in college and it just sort of continued that way.  It works great with my husband, and it seems to work pretty good for our Bi couple friends too”.

It appears that especially a lot of younger Bi people live outside legal marriage but inside psychological marriage.  There are some who seem to be legally married to one person but in a love sense psychologically are married to another.  Some, of course, have a lot of trouble with marriage especially when their spouse cannot accept their Bi-ness; while others sort of are mixed about it, and still others do fine.  So, the brief answer is “yes” bisexuals can be happily married, but there’s no guarantee.

Are You Ready for a More Bi World?

Bi-sexuality and Bi-love relationships either are on the rise, or more are coming out into the light of the world, according to some who study this sort of thing.  Some marriage counselors report hearing more couples revealing Bi desires or affairs.  Some family therapists talk about family counseling in which a family member talks about their Bi relationships.  More people, both male and female, in individual therapy seem to be wondering about their own sexual preferences – one of which is being Bi.  College counselors are running into more Bi relationship issues, especially among female students.

Being Bi is easier to disguise because half of it is very heterosexual, but as homosexuality becomes more acceptable so does being Bi.  Consequently bi-sexuality may show up more in general awareness.  We have to look at the fact that much of the world is very couple oriented and not at all designed for open Bi-ness.  What this will mean for our societal and cultural future is an issue just beginning to be pondered.

Can Bi Love Be Healthy, Real Love?

Alice said, “We just celebrated our 30 years together, 25 of which have been spent living Bi.  We’ve raised our kids and they are healthy, productive, happy, young adults.  Bob said, “We run a successful business together, travel around the world, have donated thousands of hours and dollars to worthy charities, and by every way you can think of have been successful; not that we haven’t had some problems but we’ve overcome them as three loving people working together.”  Carol said, “We are so caring, and so close, and so in love with each other that I don’t think it could be better.”  Alice, Bob and Carol answered the question, can bi love be healthy, real love with a resounding “Yes”.  There, of course, are others who would answered with a resounding “No”, it didn’t work for them (just like is true in all forms of love relating).  So, what do you think?

Remember Betty and her dilemma from the first paragraph.  She resolved her dilemma in a somewhat unexpected way.  She summed it up saying, “About 2 months into counseling I realized I actually just was infatuated with both my lovers.  It wasn’t real love, it was a kind of false love.  Now I’m in a pretty traditional, heterosexual relationship, full of healthy, real love.  It’s so different than infatuation.  There’s more kindness, deep communication, delightful compatibility, and the tender, precious feelings are so plentiful.  Well, as you can see, Bi’s like everyone else can be deceived by false forms of love and Betty’s resolution is another way things can turn out.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
How do you want to see yourself respond to someone who’s very personable, admirable, attractive and inviting you into a Bi experience?

Related posts:

1. Are Love and Marriage Getting a Divorce?
2. Power or Love or Both 

Alphabet Love Test

To take this test, first read the brief statement of what love can be given for each letter of the alphabet.  Then read the sentence below the statement and choose the answer (and record the number) which comes closest to your own..  If you do not know or cannot be sure enough, record a zero for your answer.  However, it is best to make the ‘best guess’ you can, coming as close as possible to what you think your answer might be so you do not have too many zero scores.  Choose only one answer for each stimulus sentence.


A   Love Can Be Affectionate
      I show love affectionately     1. Badly     2. Poorly     3. Fairly well     4. Very well.
B   Love Can Be Beneficial
      I act to benefit those I love    1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often     4. Quite frequently
C   Love Can Be Caring
      I show I care to those I love   1. Ineptly    2. Tolerably well    3. Quite well    4. Very well.
D   Love Can Be a Delight
      I obviously delight in those I love   1. Rarely   2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently.
E   Love Can Be Enriching
      I realize the enrichment of other’s love   1. Rarely    2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently
F   Love Can Be Fun
      I do ‘fun love’     1. Rarely     2. Seldom     3. Often     4. Quite frequently
G   Love Can Be Giving
      I express love through giving  1. Deficiently   2. Mediocre   3. Moderately well   4 Quite well
H   Love Can Be Helpful
      I am helpful to those I love    1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often    4. Quite frequently
I   Love Can Be Intimate
      Emotional intimacy for me is   1. Laborious    2. Difficult    3. Pleasurable    4. Superb
J   Love Can Be Joyful
      I experience the joy of love   1. Deficiently    2. Mildly    3. Strongly    4. Powerfully
K   Love Can Be Kind
      I show loving kindness   1. Rarely   2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently.
L   Love Can Be Liberating
      I feel love’ s liberating influence  1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often    4. Quite frequently
M   Love Can Be Merciful
      I give merciful love  1. With great difficulty    2 reluctantly    3. Easily    4. Abundantly
N   Love Can Be Nurturing
      I nurture others with love  1. Poorly    2 Tolerably well    3. Moderately well    4. Very well
O   Love Can Be Observant
      I observe those I love   1. Inadequately    2. Sporadically    3. Carefully    4. Expertly
P   Love Can Be Powerful
      I exhibit powerful love  1. Sparsely     2. Tenuously     3. Commonly     4. Marvelously
Q   Love Can Be Questing
      Via love I quest for growth and improvement  1. Passively   2. Modestly   3.Enthusiastically  4. Passionately
R   Love Can Be Receptive
      I receive love   1. Badly    2. Poorly    3. Fairly well    4. Extremely well
S   Love Can Be Sexual
      I mix love and sexuality  1. Almost never     2 Incompetently     3. Well     4. Superbly
T   Love Can Be Tender
      I give tender love  1. Awkwardly     2. Clumsily     3. Tolerably well     4. Expertly
U   Love Can Be Unconditional
      At offering unconditional love I am   1. At a loss    2. Reluctant    3. Liberal    4. Generous
V   Love Can Be Victorious
      I strive to win with love   1. Never     2. Infrequently     3. Frequently     4. Consistently
W   Love Can Be Willing
      I give my willingness to those I love   1. Miserly    2 Sporadically    3. Freely    4. Joyously
X   Love Can Be Xenial. (Hospitable)
      With those I love I am xenial   1. With resistance    2. Dutifully    3. Pleasantly    4. Happily
Y   Love Can Be Yielding
      I yield to those I love   1. With anger   2. With resentment   3. With acceptance   4. With ease
Z   Love Can Be Zestful
      I zestfully join with those I love  1. Hardly ever   2. Not often enough   3. Fairly often   4. Quite often

Scoring
The number corresponding to your response on each question is your Score for each sentence.  If you chose a number ‘1.’ response your score is one.  If your answer was a ‘2.’ response your score is 2 on that item, and so forth.  Add up all your ‘1.’ responses, ‘2.’ responses, ‘3.’ responses and ‘4.’ responses; then add them all together for your TOTAL Score.  Do not add your zero (don’t know & not sure) responses.  Now, use the following scale to interpret your score.

Scores zero – 26 suggest you may not know enough about yourself and healthy, real love, how it’s done and how to evaluate yourself in relationship to healthy, real love.  A lack of love knowledge may lead to love failure.  Considerable study of love, therefore, is recommended, perhaps coupled with developing your introspection skills.

Scores 27 – 52 suggest you may not have given love and how to do it well and successfully anywhere near enough attention and, therefore, love failures may be all too likely in your life.  Lots of study of the behaviors that convey love (See “An Behavioral (Operational) Definition of Love”) and those that help love grow and develop, followed by practicing what you learn is recommended for your consideration.

Scores 53 – 78 suggest you are doing the actions that lead, at least, to a fairly successful chance at succeeding at love, and that it will be wise for you to study and learn more of the skills, techniques and ways of healthy, real love.

Scores 79 – 104 suggest you have a well above average understanding of how to grow and develop a healthy love relationship or that you are giving yourself too much credit and may be in denial about how much you need to learn.

It is useful to go back and study your lowest scores on each of the above sentences, thinking of them as possible areas you might do well to make improvements in.  Studying your highest scores may tell you something about your strengths concerning healthy, real love.  Developing your strengths even further as you also strengthen the weakest areas is considered a rather good strategy.

The Alphabet Love Test also may provide a good exercise for a couple to do together, and it also can be used by families and friends.

The Alphabet Love Test is just one of many ways to get a bit clearer and more well-informed about yourself and your healthy, real love strengths and weaknesses.  It is not to be considered a definitive instrument as it only has what is called face validity.  It, however, may provide a rather good stimulus for thinking about love and factors that have to do with love in their many, rich and varied forms.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Do you consider yourself to be a student of love, or do you mostly let love and your love relationships be a matter of luck and whatever you learned growing up?  Which is your guess as to which of these approaches gets the better results and which does not?