Synopsis: Love nourishing
the heart while feeding the body; a shared and broad ethology; love
infused family dining; couples dining with love; serving friendship
love; love, food and Eros; love and dining with self; the dining with
heart challenge.
Love Nourishing the Heart While Feeding the Body
A loving family joyfully shares a meal together, a
romantic couple share a candlelight dinner, eating birthday cake with
close and jovial friends, chocolates presented in a heart shaped box,
kids bringing parents breakfast in bed – all give evidence to how food
can be used with the sharing and growing of love relationships of all
types. It is an ancient adage that “The best meals are those served
with love”.
A Shared, Long and Broad Ethology
Sharing food as evidence of a love does not only
occur in human behavior. The animal world is full of examples of both
mammals, birds and even fish bringing food-gifts to their love mates or
hoped for love mates. There also are many examples where mammals
especially, lovingly provide food to smaller and weaker and sometimes
sick fellow creatures. There even are examples of cross species sharing
of choice foods and of different species eating side-by-side along with
affectionate muzzling, licking, grooming and other likely
love-expressive actions.
The evidence suggests that if an animal brain
has a limbic system it loves, and if it eats it will mix some sort of
love behavior with eating behavior. The mixing of love and food
behaviors probably begins with mothers feeding babies. Wherever it
begins the sharing of food, along with various other acts of loving care
and connection, can be traced all the way back into the time of the
dinosaurs. And among humans it shows up in every tribe, culture and
society.
Love Infused Family Dining
Making eating together a good, constructive,
positive, family love experience is a goal that can be achieved in lots
of different ways. It is interesting to note that all sorts of parents
and families who have highly productive, famous offspring had mealtimes
together and that those meals were treated in special ways. Many of the
children of such families learned that they were to come to dinner with
something by which they could enrich the rest of the family. Everyone
brought to the table a funny story, an intriguing question, a curiosity,
an item to be appreciated or perhaps even a contrary opinion.
Different families had different things to stress but they all stressed
sharing and the enrichment of one another by the sharing. In some very
musical families the requirement was to sing a line or two from a song
or explaining a musical refrain. In political families it usually had
something to do with news related to a cause or a conflict. In a good
many families mealtime was marked by remarks offering another family
member, or guest, some sort of affirmative statement.
Praises,
compliments, thank you statements and other expressions of gratitude
make many families’ meal times together a more loving experience. In
some families the most positive remarks are rewarded with an extra
helping of dessert. In some there is a rule against giving negative
statements like criticism, put-downs and complaining; angry or hostile
remarks are certainly usually against the dining-together family rules.
The prayers offering blessings for food and thanksgiving, especially in
those families where everyone adds something to the prayer, can help
accomplish the making of the meal a more love-oriented event.
Sometimes families that ask everyone to hear or discuss unhappy and
stressful things at the dinner table can bring about bonding when enough
loving care is expressed in the process. However, such actions may
cause indigestion and might bring about an aversion to eating with
others in some people who have had numerous, negative, dining
experiences. So, one must be careful about using mealtimes as a time to
discuss problems.
Another important thing to remember is to really pay attention to the
food and appreciating what tastes good, making comments out loud and
also to verbally be thankful to whoever spent time and effort to prepare
the food.
Couples Dining with Love
Did you know the romantic, candle lit dinner for two
is a relatively new event and was once thought of as an indecent,
radical, anti-establishment thing to do. Typically in many ‘old
countries’ the woman served the male patriarch of the family first as he
sat alone at the table and she stood behind him while he ate. Then the
other males came to the table and were served, followed by the higher
status females who in some lands had to eat at a different table. Then
came the children who usually had to eat in another room.
Finally, the serving females got to eat whatever was left in the food preparation
area which sometimes was outside. To this day men and women eating
together in some places is quite frowned upon. Males and females eating
together counters the male dominance in these cultures and represents
movement toward female equality. Also for a couple to dine alone
together adds the chance for intimate exchanges, the sin of self chosen
love, and the possibility of indecency.
The intimate dinner for two can be a love feast when there are words
of love spoken in soft tones of love, with lots of loving looks and eye
contact, punctuated perhaps with touches of love, mixed with loving self
disclosures of appreciation and affirmation of each other, and perhaps a
little sexy, under the table foot action. A romantic meal means lots
of loving sharing and good emotional intercourse while eating, with
strong focus on each other and the experience being shared. A very
important element, not to forget, is making
enough time available so as not to be rushed or not to have the experience cut short.
Watch out for love sabotaging actions like complaining about
anything, bringing up problems of any type, being distracted by
anything, not paying close attention to each other, talking about
unloved others, work and other non-couple positive issues, or anything
likely to be regarded as impersonal. Especially important is avoiding
unappetizing, gross and rude topics. Generally the idea is to talk
about each other and very positive pleasant things, and to forget
everybody and everything else. That way you do a good job of dining
together with and for love.
If one or both of you prepared the food and/or the environmental
atmosphere, lots of focus on both of these contributions with words of
appreciation are definitely in order. Focusing on the thinking and
feelings of each other by asking personal questions likely to be
answered with positive, pleasant words is an exquisite way to dine with
love.
When I have suggested these elements of ‘Dining with love’ to some
people they have said things like, “What if I don’t like the food or I’m
uncomfortable in the environment? Should I lie, or just keep quiet, or
what?”. I like to suggest that to have a love-focused dining
experience with someone that you look for what you can honestly be
positive about, and say so. Then leave the rest for later, or never.
The couples’ love-focused dining experience for two is 1. giving a couple a
chance to feed each other positive, love messages, in a romantic
setting, while enjoying food, drink and atmosphere together. And 2. it
is a love skill that is worth adding to your ‘love repertoire’.
Serving Friendship Love
Friends can eat together and in the process show
each other friendship love. In doing so they can substantially grow and
improve their relationships with each other. Sometimes the eating is
done informally, quite often in the kitchen, sometimes it’s via a dinner
party or going out to eat together in a really nice or interesting,
different place. It can be friends preparing and eating a meal
together. The most important part is the same as in all love-focused
eating experiences. The food is not what it’s all about, although that’s
important.
It’s the human interaction and the togetherness that are
paramount. Are the interactions of love friendly, positive, deeper than
with strangers, maybe sometimes rather quite but sometimes noisy with
laughter, and are they often lighthearted and sometimes deeper and quite
meaningful? The atmosphere usually is less important than in the
romantic, lovers’ meals but the environment is best when it is at least
comfortable if possible. Above all is to be personable, friendly,
accepting, tolerant and sincerely caring. To joke, tell stories, tell
on ones’ self, and to briefly honestly brag, to let out whatever are
ones’ larger emotions and concerns, and to talk about whatever is truly
important to you may be included. Also just being able to be quiet
together is sometimes a very good, friendly way to share a meal.
Love, Food and Eros
She sat him on a giant pillow and put a turban on
his head. She was dressed in a shockingly revealing, harem girl
costume. She danced back and forth in front of him, erotically bringing
him delicious tidbits of various exotic foods from a nearby table.
Then with sensuous twists and turns her diaphanous garments began to
disappear. She then poured aromatic sauces over various parts of her
body and offered them to his lips and tongue. He tasted sweet and tangy
juices, and he tasted her, and then she tasted him. It was indeed the
finest meal he’d ever experienced, and one of the most loving dinners
she ever served. His only quandary was how to give her an equally
delicious experience when it was next his turn to prepare a love-meal
for her. Need we say more?
Love and Dining with Self
Out of healthy, self-love do you treat yourself to
love-filled, just right for you, dining experiences? When alone do you
slowly savor fine tasting food and drink. Do you think something like,
“I will take time to treat myself well with something I really like to
taste? Do you make it a lovely experience with just the right
environment and accouterments. Perhaps you might enhance a meal with a
good book to read, or a special incense, or going outside with nature,
or turning on background music you really enjoy. There are many ways to
be extra good to yourself by way of love mixed with food.
A Dining with Heart Challenge
My challenge to you is to be focused on the giving
and receiving of love when you feed or eat with loved ones or with
yourself. The challenge also is to
develop your skill
at making shared eating experiences, those in which you give the
heartfelt psychological nourishment of love while also taking it in.
Graciousness, artfulness, thoughtfulness and a host of other loving
ingredients all can be mixed in and can become part of the meals you
share with loved ones. So, I hope you are or will enjoy developing this
love skill as much as any other.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question How loving will you be the next time you eat with someone you love? What’s
your recipe for creating love-nurturing dining experiences?
