Here And Now Love

Synopsis: Mindsets that miss out; examples; here and now "distracters"; those good at here and now love; giving here and now love; now for the future; a helper test; Joy and sorrow in the now; training yourself.

Love is best experienced with a "here and now" mind-set.  That takes focusing your awareness fully in the present while love is being given and received.  It is surprising how difficult this is for some people.  So many miss out on full, love experiences because their mind is focused on something from the past or the future and, therefore, not in the "now".

Let’s look at a few examples.  She gives him a loving kiss but his focus is on problems at the office so he does not fully feel the love coming to him.  He, ever so lovingly, smiles at her but her mind is on making sure their children clean up their room so her subconscious sense of loneliness grows a bit bigger.  Out of love the small child puts heartfelt effort into making a picture present then gleefully hands it to the parent.  However, the parent’s mind is on the issues of tomorrow and barely looks at the gift and quickly dismisses the child’s special made, love gift and the child.

The parent misses the feeling of love coming from the child and the child misses out on the receptional love the parent could have given in return.  Plus, the child may learn disappointment is what comes from trying to give love, and they might be being ‘taught by example’ how to not receive love offerings fully.  A friend gives a loving compliment but the intended recipient almost doesn’t hear it at all because that person is focused on whether or not they did the right thing about yesterday’s difficulty.  I bet you can think up your own examples and personal experiences.

So often people grow "love starved" because they are inexperienced at living in the here and now.  Lots of people need and want more love and, in fact, demonstrations of love may be coming their way.  However, they’re missing out on the nourishment of that love because they’re not good at switching into a "here and now" focus.  So many are so occupied with anxieties about the future or painful incidents from the past they don’t see the enriching, strengthening love available to them in the present.

Many have love opportunities surrounding them and all they need do is ask for a hug, or a smile, or to be lovingly listened to for a bit and they would get the love that’s available.  Then they could go about life a little better because love well received usually helps counter pain from the past and anxieties of the future.  Of course, there are appropriate times for making plans for the future, and acceptable times to be learning from the past, and busy times too.  But if love is available, or being offered, don’t miss out on it even if soaking it up needs to be brief.  This is where the "quality of reception" is more important than the "amount of time" spent.

Some people are really good at"here and now" love.  They see loving looks coming their way and fully absorb and are nourished by those looks.  There are those who delight in a lover’s hand as it warmly slips into their own, and their mind is on that and that alone.  Well loved are the ones who don’t give a rapid, perfunctory “I love you too” reply to an “I love you” statement.  Rather, they allow themselves to feel the love just sent their way and in essence digest and are nourished by it before they make a heartfelt reply.  They are more likely to say something like “Thank you, that feels so good, and I’m really glad you do” rather than giving an automatic statement without much feeling.

For some, getting and giving loving hugs spark and spice up their lives.  For others hugging is a quick, empty ritual because their focus is away from the here and now.  Here’s a question.   Do you think those who are really good at really focusing their mind on each love event, as it occurs, live better?  And if you aren’t already doing that do you want to be one of them?

Another part of  "here and now"  love has to do with not missing out on here and now opportunities for giving love.  I like to recommend demonstrating your love often and much.  Love is one of those things that the more you give it away the more you have to give, so long as you remember to give enough of it to yourself too.  To give love often and much you have to work at not letting too many distractions from the past or about the future get in the way.  Say words of love with loving tones, give looks of love, touch with love, and frequently do all the ways of demonstrating love and I’m betting you’ll be so glad you live that way.  Watch out that you don’t let the fear of doing it poorly, or the fear that it will not be well received, or things like that stop you.  When it comes to love it usually is better to make a mistake of commission rather than one of omission.

Do you know how doing well with "here and now" love improves your future and how that works?  First, when you really soak up love and allow yourself to fully ‘get it’ you change your brain chemistry for the better.  Then improved brain chemistry changes your body chemistry for the better.  This means your immunity mechanisms fight off infections better, and fewer stress hormones are produced and your aging process is slowed.  Also your improved brain chemistry produces more good feeling neurochemistry, generally helping to make you happier and more positive about yourself in life.  All this means you are more likely to live longer and enjoy life more.

That’s not all.  When you get really good at "here and now" love you store up good feeling memories that later you can draw upon to help you get through bleak and bad times.  Those who only ‘sort of’ feel loved when it’s coming their way may be much more likely to experience depression, despair, hopelessness, etc.

Those who do really well at encouraging"here and now" love to come their way are usually better at giving love.  This makes for more generating of mutual love and cycling of love in relationships.  The more love generated in a love relationship the better and healthier the relationship is likely to grow, and the closer the participants are likely to feel toward one another.  That means you and those you love will be more bonded and are likely to experience being more energized and also more loyal to each other.

Here is a little helper test.  Wherever you are right now, look around and see something you can feel, at least a little positive about, that you might not have really noticed before.  Now listen closely and try to hear some sound you didn’t notice until right now; especially listen for sounds that you can be at least a little interested in.  Now touch something, preferably pleasurable, and feel its texture more fully than you have before.  In every environment there always is more you can notice and at least mildly like in a "here and now" way.  Now, think of doing the same things with someone you love.

See something more, hear something more, and feel their textures more.  Be aware that as you do this you are more fully perceiving precious parts of your valued loved one.  With that awareness you might want to tell your loved one that you are enjoying and appreciating them right now.  After that do the same with yourself as an act of healthy self-love.  Notice that if while you’re doing this your mind goes anywhere else, to the past, future, far away, etc. yank it back.  You can force your mind to be in the here and now when finding things to be at least a little positive about and, therefore, to enjoy.

One of the best and greatest joys in my work happens when I hear couples, family members, friends, etc. say things like “I feel so loved right now”, “We are really doing our love and it’s great”, “I just have to hug you right now because I’m overwhelmed with feelings of love”, “Finally we’re all really loving each other in such good ways, and it’s the best thing in the world”, “At long last I love myself, and I know I’m really okay”.

One of the saddest parts of my work as a psychotherapist comes with those who lost a loved one like a child, spouse, family member, dear friend, etc. and I hear “I wish I would have told them I loved them more”, “We didn’t spend enough time loving each other”, “We never took enough time out of our too busy lives to love each other like we could have”.

With some work you can train yourself to pay attention to the love coming your way in the here and now and really get it.  With repeated effort you can notice your here and now opportunities to give love and you can do so.  You purposefully can yank your mind away from the future (and get back to it later) when you have a ‘here and now’ love opportunity.  Likewise, you can yank your mind away from the past when there is a "here and now" opportunity to do love, grow love, experience love, etc. (and later return to whatever you were thinking about from the past).  With some work we all can be better ‘here and now’ lovers.

Hopefully with these thoughts in mind you will do "here and now" love a bit better and a bit more often.  As you do that remember to tell yourself here and now “Good for me” and other healthy, self love statements.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question In the next 10 minutes who will you show some love to, and how will you do that?
Remember, it’s OK if your love target is yourself.

Related posts:

1. Listening with Love
2. Kissing with Love
3. Love Complaints Versus Love Requests
4. Bull Wrestling, Bull Dancing and Love Quarrels
5. Do You Start and Part with Love? 

Thinking Love to Improve Love

Synopsis: This mini-love lesson presents ways to improve love with your thinking in, about and with love.

Do you know how to ‘think love’?  Many do not.  ‘Thinking love’ simply means thinking in, with and about love – especially healthy, real love.  The more you ‘think love’ the more likely you are to do well in love and then in life.  Here are a dozen ‘helpers’ to assist you in improving your ability to ‘think love’.

A Dozen ‘Think Love’ Helpers

1.    Love thinking is appreciative!  How often do you think appreciative thoughts about those you love?  How often do you think to look for and find things to appreciate about those you love?  Is your positive, appreciative thinking more than your negative, critical thinking?  Do you give thought to how to express your appreciation of your loved ones?

2.    Love thinking is caring!  How well and often do you think caring thoughts about what your loved ones are experiencing, feeling, involved in, and what they find important?

3.    Love thinking is sharing!  Do you ponder what and how to share yourself with your loved ones?  Do you think about how to help your loved ones share themselves with you?  Do you think about what your loved ones share with you?

4.    Love thinking is kind!  Are the thoughts you have of your loved ones filled with kindness?  Do you give thought to how to show kindness?

5.    Love thinking is affirmational!  Do you focus your thoughts on what is good and admirable about your loved ones.  Do you value not only what your loved ones do but their essence as well?  Do you think about how to convey that you highly value and cheer for the success of your loved ones?

6.    Love thinking is appropriately protective!  Is safeguarding those you love part of your concern and contemplations?  Is thought given to not being overly protective?

7.    Love thinking is thankful!  Concerning your loved ones are you frequently thinking thankfully about what they do and are?  Are you good at thinking about how to express your thankfulness?

8.    Love thinking is emotional!  Do you give thought to the many emotions love brings into our lives?  Do you try to understand the emotions of your loved ones as well as your own emotions?  Are you good at figuring out the -guidance messages’ in yours and others’ emotions?  In relating with love does your thinking work well with your emotions?

9.    Love thinking is joyous!  Do you just simply enjoy thinking about your loved ones?  Does it cause you happiness to simply notice your loved ones’ way of being them self?  Do you think pleasurably about your loved ones’ idiosyncrasies, oddities, and uniqueness?

10.    Love thinking is studious!  Do you study how to grow love, make love work, improve with love, give and get love better?  Do you study your loved ones and how to best do love with them?

11.    Love thinking is inspiring!  Have you had the experience of being inspired, enriched and deeply benefited by thinking about love in the ways just described? (If not keep thinking about love and we bet you will.)

12.    Love thinking is intimate!  Do you think about love in deeply personal, emotionally close and very private ways?  Do you frequently and healthfully mix your love thinking with your sex thinking?  Can you also connect thoughts about the  passionate and the erotic with thoughts about spiritual love?

People who really think more about love often automatically do more about love.  Unless their thinking is mistaken and inaccurate, those people are the ones more likely to experience and achieve more in the arenas of love.  The reverse is also likely to be true. Those who don’t give love much thought are less likely to get good love results.  So we encourage you to think a lot about love and especially how healthy, real love can be made to work, grow and improve lives.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
With whom will you share and discuss this ‘think love’ mini-love lesson and exactly when will you do that?

Independence with Love

Ted said “I’m finally in a marriage that helps me be more independent, not less”.

Judy replied “I don’t think that’s possible.  When you love someone don’t you always become dependent on them and have to sacrifice your independence for the relationship?”  Gloria responded with, “Not in my love relationships.  Love helps me be who I really am and how I want to be me.  Without love I wouldn’t get to be the real me”.

Qi-shi remarked, “That is not my experience.  My lady friends always want to restrict me, hold me back and get me to be dependent on them, and keep me that way.  That’s why I am not with anyone right now.  I like my independence and for me love gets in the way” .  Sally with disgust commented, “You all know that’s the way it always works out for us women.  Men just don’t want to give you any independence at all”.

Jeremy came back with, “It’s not just men, you women may be more subtle but in my experience every woman wants to ‘break and tame’ her man.  That takes away every bit of every poor guy’s independence”. “I totally disagree,” said Mark.  “Before Jan and I hooked up I was so love-starved I couldn’t do anything but look for love and affection.  Once I started really loving and being loved it set me free to be more independent than I’ve ever been”.  Then Judy jumped in with, “José and I would never dare interfere with each other’s independence.

The whole basis of our relationship is allowing and helping each other live independently. That’s how we do love.  For us it wouldn’t work any other way”.  Sharon then asked, “Doesn’t independence sort of imply being separate and alone.  I never have felt comfortable with the words independent or dependent.  They both sound like things I don’t want to fully embrace.  What about interdependence and self-dependent?   Shouldn’t we consider those also”?

This energetic discussion continued on for quite some time between the participants at a Love Advancement weekend workshop.  As you can see in their discussion there are many differing viewpoints when it comes to the subject of ‘Independence and Love’.  No small number of couples, families and even friendships break up when there are clashes over independence versus dependence issues.  And to the contrary many relationships maintain their health by assisting their participants to have a high degree of independence.

When commenting on love, independence and marriage the great Middle Eastern poet/philosopher, Kahlil Gibran wrote:

“… let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond [prison] of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
… Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strains of a lute are alone though they quiver
with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Indeed, among relational professionals it is generally thought that in healthy, real love the love relationship is carried on in a way that promotes, assists and nurtures independent individuality.  Love-based actions which help each person grow their self-dependent abilities and help them act in interpersonal, independent teamwork result in healthy, mutually beneficial love relationships.  This means shared independence and democratically chosen interdependence are a significant part of well functioning love relationships.

One of the prime ways to identify a real, healthy love from an unhealthy, false love has do with examining dependency issues.  Those relationships that promote shared independence tend to be far healthier than those relationships that suppress and restrict independence and individuality.

Relationships that are too dependent and too anti-independence promote stagnation.  Stagnation leads to deterioration, and deterioration leads to death (of the relationship and sometimes of a person in that relationship).  It is generally thought that to grow your independence means to grow your selfhood.  Dependency makes you less, not more.  Being less seldom, if ever, helps ‘the team’ that is a love relationship.  The team is strengthened by its members being ‘all they can be’ as independent individuals who share their strengths and unique abilities in interdependent teamwork.  This is one of the most important dynamics which make up ‘the teams’ we call couples, marriages, families and strong friendships.

Let’s look at what the most famous and very independent seagull of all time told us about love with freedom and independence.  Jonathan, the seagull, was reported to have said:

“If you love something set it free.  If it comes back to you, it is yours.
If it doesn’t, it never was.”
-Jonathan Livingston Seagull, according to Richard Bach

If, in the name of love, you try to possess someone, own them, capture and confine them, make them yours alone, deprive them of independent free choice, it is likely if you dare to set them free there’s a good chance they won’t return.  But if you encourage free, independent choice that is an act of real love.  Real love cannot be done as slavery.  If they choose you day after night, after day, after night and you choose them also, then together you can own and operate a growing, ongoing love.  If when giving someone the freedom of love’s partnership they leave you, then the relationship, in all probability, would never have worked out anyway.  That is because only a love operating with ongoing mutual choice and desire seems to be able to sustain itself healthfully.

Healthy, real love promotes independence and sick, anti-freedom, false love promotes dependency.  This is the contention of many who study love and its dynamics.  To investigate how all this may have influenced your life let’s look at the ways Western world society has taught people to talk and think.  The following sentences are ‘supposed to’ represent the dynamics of love, as many people understand them, but do they really?  “I need you”.  “I can’t live without you”.  “You’re mine”.  “You belong to me”.  “I’m totally yours”.  “Let me be your slave”.  “I totally surrender myself to you”.  “Do what you want with me”.  “I love you so much I will do anything you want”.  “You’re my everything”.  “I’m completely under your control just like I want to be”.  “I can’t go on without you”.  “Because I love you I will become whatever you want”.  “Use me, abuse me, dominate me, control me utterly and then I will know you love me as much as I love you”.

To the mental health professional all of these statements suggest an underlying drive to retreat into infancy where a person is totally dependent on a parent/caretaker.  A lack of wanting to become self-directed, mature, and growing, improving and becoming increasingly responsible as an adult is infantile and regressive; it’s not what real love is all about.  Healthy, real love promotes growth toward independence, freedom and being more, not less.  So why do many people confuse the desire to regress into infantile dependency with love?

There are a number of interwoven reasons.  One part is what our culture teaches us to think.  Another part involves the freedom from the stress of having to make decisions, and choices and experience the consequences of our choices.  Seemingly that can be achieved by turning your life over to another who will play the ‘parent-like, lover/mate’ role in your life.  However, that seldom turns out well.  More frequently it leads to abuse, neglect, misuse and eventually either rebellion or destruction.  Debilitating dependency on a lover is no better than debilitating dependency on a drug.

There are a fairly large number of people who fear independence because they don’t think they have what it takes to handle it.  They often are attracted to, and join with, very dictatorial, dominating types of people.  There are three big problems with this strategy.  First, dictators are usually secretly weak, fear-based people hiding under a mask of pseudo-strength.  The second problem is the weak person who wants to have the safety of being governed by the strong often slowly grows their own strength.  Then they rebel or break free from their dominator.  The third problem is the dominator may slowly grow real strength and become disenchanted with the weak person depending on them.  They then often become attracted to stronger, more dynamic, self-dependent others.

There are those who are strong, decisive leaders most of the time but want to take a break from the stress of decisiveness and let others run the show, at least for awhile.  That sometimes gets acted out in various sexual scenarios where the usually powerful leader gets to be submissive and dominated.  Then there are those that have been brought up to believe dictatorial leadership and domination are masculine and submissive masochism is feminine.  This too may occur only in sexuality but sometimes it involves a total life position.  When that happens it is very hard to arrive at a democratic, partnered, love relationship of equals.

Having someone be overtly, strongly dependent on you and on your love at first may have the strong appeal of a seemingly safe relationship.  It also has the appeal of being in control and being able to get whatever you want from the person who is dependent on you.  Later, not having an equal partner with which to share burdens, not having the input of ideas that are different from your own, not having another’s creativity and not having an equal, adult companion tends to get old, less functional and lonely.

Lots of insecure, underdeveloped men want a dependent, weak woman for their mate.  Later, as they grow in maturity and ability, they start to get bored with the weak woman at home and are attracted to highly competent, independent females out in the world.  Lots of insecure, underdeveloped females want a ‘big daddy’ to take care of them and treat them like a princess.  Later as they grow in maturity and confidence they want out from under ‘Daddy’s’ control and to associate with more challenging, stimulating and independent equals.  Of course, these are stereotypes and gender specific but they help to demonstrate the concepts here.  Human beings act in all shades of stereotypes and usually not completely like any stereotype.

Sexually lots of couples like to ‘play’ with one being a ‘sex slave’ while the other is the dominant, ‘erotic master’.  However, doing a total relationship in that format seldom gets healthy, lasting results.  Be aware that many couples who play at ‘sex slave and master’ often trade roles.

Here is a challenging thought to consider.  If you want to control, dominate, be in charge, etc. instead of being equal partners, and if you tend to think only one person can be in charge, that someone has to be the boss, have the final say, etc. then maybe you’re not strong enough or mature enough to operate in a democratic love relationship of adult equals.

Likewise, if in your love relationships you want to avoid or lose your independence, be dominated and governed, be lost in dependency and be someone else’s well-controlled puppet then healthy, real love is likely not to be in your future.  However, if a love-filled partnership of democratic equals who work to do life together is your aspiration then healthy, real love has a real chance of filling your romantic and other kinds of love life.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Questions
Do your love relationships tend to lead you to an ‘I want you’ rather than ‘I need you’, ‘I choose you’ rather than ‘I am stuck with you’ or ‘I am more free with you’ rather than ‘I am enslaved to [or with] you’ relationship dynamics?

Related posts:

1. Is “I Can’t Live without You” Real Love?
2. Validation Love Stamp Giveaways
3. Healthy Real Love -or- Toxic False Love 

Receptional Love

Mini-Love-Lesson # 285

Synopsis: The often overlooked way of giving love via receiving love well is presented along with 7 ways to carry it out; plus how to internalize, enjoy and benefit more from the love that comes your way.

Receiving love well is an act of giving love well!  Receptional love behaviors are those which, by act or word, demonstrate a positive reception of any of the other major ways of directly communicating love.

Integrating Receptional Love into the seven, major ways of giving love is the key to cycling love.  Without reception, love behaviors do not do the good that they might.  What a waste!  

Suppose a simple, sincere statement like “I love you” comes your way.  What is your Expressional Love receiving-response?  Does your face light up in a great big smile or a cute little grin?  Are your tones of voice upbeat and appreciative.  Does your body language communicate elation and pleasure?  What is your Touch Love receiving-response?  Do you tenderly hold their hand or give them a big bear hug, or a sweet kiss on the forehead, or two-handed handshake?  How about a Verbal Love receiving-response?  Do you say something like, “That touches my heart”, or do you proclaim, “Yes, you do and I’m super glad you do” or do you whisper “I feel a little thrill of joy hearing that”?  What about a Gifting Love receiving-response?  “Saying you love me just the way you did, makes me want to give you a massage”.  What might be your Affirmational Love receiving-response?  “I hear a lot of feeling in the way you said that and reaches me deeply”, or simply, “You’re wonderful”.  Consider a Tolerational Love receiving-response.  When hearing a perfunctory “I love you”, you might say, “Could I hear that again with a little more oomph?”  Think about a Self-Disclosure Love receiving-response.  “Secretly, I’ve been longing to hear you say that”.  

If we become proficient with our receiving-responses to the seven, major, behavioral ways we directly show love, our love cycling will be strengthened and enhanced.

Using our personal knowledge of a loved one, combined with The Seven Love Behaviors, can lead to custom tailored, love receiving-responses.  For example, Delilah was a dolphin aficionado so, in appreciation for each of the special things she did, Raul would get her a card featuring dolphins or a dolphin figurine or a dolphin book, or such.  Delilah called it her “I’m Swimming in Love” collection.  Personalizing receptional love responses makes them extra special.

To receive a dose of love well, first you have to notice it.  Then sharply focus on what just happened.  Give it some concentrated attention.  When you do that, it naturally flows into the third phase of good reception – soaking it up.  If you experience feelings like “I feel loved”, “this hug feels so good”, “an unexpected gift – what a delight” you are reaping the enrichment of love reception .  To feel these feelings more intently, it may help to say to yourself “I’m being loved and I’m going to let myself really feel it”, “this is special and I’m going to cherish it” or “I’m not going to let this moment pass, I’m going to experience it deeply”.  Lingering and savoring love coming your way can help your sense of appreciation grow.  Appreciation is another part of good love reception.  Sometimes all this may happen almost instantaneously and sometimes it can be more lengthy.  It is our job to really get what is sent, to fully experience it internally.

Externally, our job is to let the sender know we have received their act of love, we like it and we are better because of it.  A thank you is a simple, polite response but even better may be showing or telling them about the effect their love message has had on us.  Even before making an automatic “I love you too” statement or a quick gratitude response, we might say something more personal and laudatory.  This is a splendid way to vitalize love cycling.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question:  Do you know that belated thank you’s can be made into better actions of Receptional Love than immediate ones – if you put enough into them?  So, who might you surprise with a totally unexpected , special, appreciation message today or tomorrow?

Self-Disclosure Love

 

Mini-Love-Lesson  #282

Synopsis: How emotional intimacy is achieved and closeness improved through self-disclosure of our inner and most private self; the importance of verbal and behavioral self-revealing for going psychologically naked together; the heartmate satisfaction that can result from sharing our deepest feelings; the best of our selves and the worst of our secret selves are required for profound and close love to grow.

A major pathway to intimate love is disclosing to another who we really are.  Self-disclosure may involve letting another honestly know our thoughts, our emotions, our body and our behavior.  It also can entail relating our private and personal history as well as who we are in the existential now.  

If we do not disclose our true self to our loved ones, they deal with a phony us.  If our phony self is given love, our true self can go love-malnourished or even love-starved.  In some manner, we probably sense the love coming toward us is for our act and not for our essence.

A best practice to getting really close to one another is to become naked.  To become physically or psychologically naked one must take off one’s wraps.  We also must be willing to deal with another’s nakedness.  The psychologically naked may be seen with warts, scars or unhealed wounds.  To show these elements of oneself, is a vulnerable and brave act.  To accept such elements without personal negation, rejection or attack, is a fine act of love.  To uninhibitedly show one’s emotions through expressions, words and touch, are potent ways to self-disclose.  To reveal our true thoughts, our moods, our fears, hang-ups, shame, joy, self-worth, or childlike qualities often are what is hungered for in intimate love relationships.  

Loving Self-Disclosure As A Key To Relationship Fulfillment

Research reveals that self-disclosure is a major key in forming strong relationships, in increasing cooperation and in the growth of mutual emotional intimacy.  When we self-disclose, we often cultivate a sense of bonded closeness.  An imperative for long-lasting and enduring relationships appears to be the inclusion of honest, loving self-disclosures.    

The lack of self-disclosure has been found to highly contribute to agony-filled breakups.  Infrequent self-disclose can impede relational growth.  Relational stagnation, consequently, is too likely a consequence.  Deterioration of a relationship when self-disclosures are absent, or too few and far between, may produce loneliness, isolation and a sense of futility. 

Self-disclosure tends to correlate with high couple and heartmate satisfaction and relational health and functioning. Because self-disclosure helps us know each other more fully and more accurately, trust is enhanced and teamwork is smoother and more effective.  Through self-disclosure, those who love each other often experience a greater sense of unity and contentment (see “Catharsis Empathy - A Love Skill”).

Behavioral Self-Disclosure

In ongoing love relationships, behaviorally showing how you are and who you are is a fundamental necessity.  Revealing your private and personal behaviors may be more important than what you tell about yourself. For instance, the behavior of crying at a sad story may garner more empathetic intimacy and closeness than merely telling about feeling sad for a story’s protagonist. Likewise, actually dancing for joy over something is more potently revealing and sharing of yourself than just announcing that you are happy about the same thing.

In intimate, sexual loving and relating, sharing your body behaviorally usually is vastly, emotionally more important than just talking about it.  Behaviorally demonstrating your love shows a great deal about you that words may never be able to express.  The look on your face, the kindness in your caress, the tender tones of your voice, your playful movements all can give disclosure to the special ways you do love (see “Difficult Topics: A Love-Centered Way To Approach and Broach Them All”).

Positive Feelings and Self-Disclosing Love 

Relational research is beginning to shine a light on the positive feelings involved in emotional relating, especially those having to do with love.  Recently Positive Psychology has contributed a focus on positive feelings like joy, ecstasy, serenity, awe, tenderness and the like. When positive feelings like those are divulged, love relationships tend to be strengthened and deepened.  If I say, “I feel so safe with you” or “Wow, I feel our connection just went up a notch”, or “When we cuddle, I feel truly cherished”, I potently act to reinforce our bonds.  Sharing our significant feelings often can be the glue that holds relationships together (see “Say It With Love”).

As always – Grow and Go with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Quotable Question: What might you not bear to share or bear to hear shared and what if you could?