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What about "Bi" Love?

Synopsis: Betty’s Bi Love dilemma; can a Bi be happily well loved?; what is Bi exactly?; where does Bi come from?; Bi or gay?, more Bi males or females?; can you become Bi; Bi’s and marriage?; are you ready for a more Bi world?; can Bi love be healthy, real love?


Betty’s ‘Bi’ Love Dilemma

“What am I to do?  I am madly in love with an astonishing man but I’m also passionately, deeply in love with an absolutely wonderful woman.

Not only that but they both are incredible in bed, although really different from each other!  But it’s a whole lot more than just sex, its romance and it’s being able to talk with each other and hanging out, it’s everything.  I so want them both, and I can’t give either one of them up.  Do I have to choose?  There are other problems though.  What will my children think?  Then there’s my parents and family, and I have some really conservative friends, and what about my neighbors when my lovers visit, and do I dare talk this over with my preacher?  Am I headed toward disaster?  Is there any way all this can work? 

Both of them are starting to hint about marriage.  What in the world am I going to do about that?  Do I introduce them to each other and see if we can try to be some kind of threesome?  As a bisexual can I be happy and well loved or am I doomed to always be in some kind of big, bad, love mess?” These and many other such questions drove Betty to seek help for her ‘Bi’ dilemma.  Can you guess how she came to resolve her dilemma?  Study what comes next and see if you can figure it out.

Can ‘Bi’s’ be happily well loved?

In answer to this question I have heard a ‘Bi’ say, “Yes, definitely.  We, who are Bi, can be far better loved than most people because we have all the joys and everything else a male and a female lover can give.  From my point of view that’s twice as good as what straight or gay people get”.  I have also heard ‘Bi’s’ say things like, “For me being Bi is absolute hell because both my partners want me to pick one of them and give up the other.  They’re always pulling and tugging at me and there’s just way too much drama.  Every time I try to choose one I end up going back the other way.  It seems endless”.

For Bi’s who can choose both loves, and continue to be chosen by both, it can be wonderful but very, very busy.  Bi people with two lovers also talk of their situation being quite demanding and often exhausting.  However, breakups often are rather easier because there is always the other lover already in place offering comfort and solace.  Thus, there are seldom abandoned or all alone situations.
Some Bi’s live happily in a married lifestyle with one lover while frequently seeing their other lover.  Quite a few seem to try living as a threesome, or each living under a different roof but getting together frequently both as  twosomes but also regularly as a threesome.  Various forms of open marriage are tried and there are some who secretly live in larger group marriages.  It is thought quite a few Bi’s take part in polyamore affiliations.

The truth is, just like gays and heterosexuals, some live happily, some live sort of mediocre and some repeatedly are in relationship struggles and agony.  I think mostly it has do with whether or not the people involved know how to do healthy, real love with one another, or not.  Then there are those people who are bisexual but they cannot break out of their family and cultural heterosexual training, so they forever are battling to live “traditionally” or what gets called ‘normally’ but often that doesn’t work out well.

“Yes” is the short answer to the questions “can Bi’s live happily, well loved” and a considerable number do, especially if they learn and practice healthy, real love but it also is true that there are Bi’s that don’t.

What Is ‘Bi’ Actually?

‘Bi’ is a term relating to two different but often integrated phenomena.  One has to do with sex and the other to romantic love.  It might be better if there was wide usage of a term like Bi-Amore along with the word bisexual.  Bi-Amore refers to a relationship which is characterized by mutual deep care, emotional intercourse and intimacy, kindness, precious interaction, shared feeling at every level, high personal valuing of one another, and joy and happiness in the well being of one another – or in a word, LOVE.  Therefore, it is not so much about sex as it is about healthy, real love being given and received.

Some people, it seems, are sexually attracted to both males and females naturally.  Some people naturally, romantically form a ‘couple’s type’ love relationship with people of either or both genders.  There seem to be those who only will experience spousal mate love with people of one gender but find both genders sexually enjoyable.  There are those who can have a close, bonded, intimate spouse-like love with one gender but they want sex with the other gender.  Those who can have a spousal love with two genders but sex with only one gender also exist.  The term ‘Bi’ and the word bisexual can be and is applied to all of these.

Where Does ‘Bi’ Come from?

The available scientific evidence today points to there naturally being a certain percentage of people who are ‘Bi’.  This natural percentage of ‘Bi’s’ also seems to occur in quite a few species.  Not only that but there are species that are heterosexual part of the time, homosexual part of the time and bisexual part of the time.  Among humans some researchers suggest everyone is it least a little bit ‘Bi’.  By one definition, the term bisexual is everyone who ever has had any sexual attraction feelings toward both, any male and any female.  ‘Bi’, therefore, is everyone, subconsciously if not consciously – or so the thinking goes.  People who have close, intimate, natural love for both males and females have been considered ‘Bi’ or Bi-Amore by some.  In any case, the simple answer is all types of sexual preference, and love preferences too, probably come from nature.

Bi or Gay?

For a while it was popular in some circles for people to believe all ‘Bi’ people really were homosexual and were in denial or disguise.  Recent research disagrees.  The available scientific evidence says there are many species, including humans, who are born with a natural, mate-bonding proclivity to both genders.

More Bi Males or Females?

No one knows for sure but there is evidence suggesting more females than males are becoming OK with bisexual and bi-amore involvement.  Perhaps they have a ‘bi’ component in their personality or genetics, or they just might be more willing to experiment with different sexual and love relationships.  Then again, they just could be born more sexually flexible.  Traditionally males get more anti-homosexual training than women and that may play a big role here also.

Can You Become Bi?

In some people their Bi nature seems to emerge later in life after having lived heterosexual or homosexual for many years.  Some people try being Bi when they learn their spouse or lover wants them to do so.  Some of them like it and keep desiring Bi experiences and some do not, while still others can ‘take it or leave it’.  Naturally those who have a good first Bi experience are more prone to having other Bi experiences.  Those who have bad experiences, especially two or three in a row, tend not to attempt additional Bi experiences.

It appears that a fair number of people who experience strong, intimate love for someone of their own gender and also have a lover of the opposite gender often engage in threesomes which may later change to at least occasional twosomes with both.  There are quite a few who will engage in what might be called the homosexual part of being bi only when their opposite gender partner is present and participating..  To get the flavor of this listen to Blake.  “I tried being Bi because I love my wife so much, and she got the most turned on being with two men, and especially watching two men ‘get it on’ with each other.  She also gets turned on by women, just like me, so quite often we are sexual with other Bi couples.

When we date other couples it’s likely we will all ‘get it on’ with everybody, every which way.  Neither one of us would ever do anything without the other being there too because that just wouldn’t be exciting or satisfying.  I don’t think I could genuinely love or lust for another guy like she might, and I think she’s pretty much the same, so none of this is really homosexual, it’s all just part of being Bi the way we do it.”

So, the short answer here seems to be “yes” you might be able to become sort of semi-Bi if you wanted to and tried hard enough.  However, probably for the majority of Bi’s their Bi-ness has a natural, genetic basis.

What about Bi’s and Marriage?

Listen to Smitty who said, “I was so happy to find out my wife was bisexual.  I’m one of those guys who just has to have sex with other women.  So years ago Kate, my wife, and I went looking for other females, and since then we’ve been sharing sex with several, and with one it’s grown into a real, lasting, love relationship”.  And listen to Molly.  “Like a lot of other bisexuals I know, I live in what outwardly looks like a traditional marriage but secretly it’s not traditional at all.  I got into having sex with both males and females in college and it just sort of continued that way.  It works great with my husband, and it seems to work pretty good for our Bi couple friends too”.

It appears that especially a lot of younger Bi people live outside legal marriage but inside psychological marriage.  There are some who seem to be legally married to one person but in a love sense psychologically are married to another.  Some, of course, have a lot of trouble with marriage especially when their spouse cannot accept their Bi-ness; while others sort of are mixed about it, and still others do fine.  So, the brief answer is “yes” bisexuals can be happily married, but there’s no guarantee.

Are You Ready for a More Bi World?

Bi-sexuality and Bi-love relationships either are on the rise, or more are coming out into the light of the world, according to some who study this sort of thing.  Some marriage counselors report hearing more couples revealing Bi desires or affairs.  Some family therapists talk about family counseling in which a family member talks about their Bi relationships.  More people, both male and female, in individual therapy seem to be wondering about their own sexual preferences – one of which is being Bi.  College counselors are running into more Bi relationship issues, especially among female students.

Being Bi is easier to disguise because half of it is very heterosexual, but as homosexuality becomes more acceptable so does being Bi.  Consequently bi-sexuality may show up more in general awareness.  We have to look at the fact that much of the world is very couple oriented and not at all designed for open Bi-ness.  What this will mean for our societal and cultural future is an issue just beginning to be pondered.

Can Bi Love Be Healthy, Real Love?

Alice said, “We just celebrated our 30 years together, 25 of which have been spent living Bi.  We’ve raised our kids and they are healthy, productive, happy, young adults.  Bob said, “We run a successful business together, travel around the world, have donated thousands of hours and dollars to worthy charities, and by every way you can think of have been successful; not that we haven’t had some problems but we’ve overcome them as three loving people working together.”  Carol said, “We are so caring, and so close, and so in love with each other that I don’t think it could be better.”  Alice, Bob and Carol answered the question, can bi love be healthy, real love with a resounding “Yes”.  There, of course, are others who would answered with a resounding “No”, it didn’t work for them (just like is true in all forms of love relating).  So, what do you think?

Remember Betty and her dilemma from the first paragraph.  She resolved her dilemma in a somewhat unexpected way.  She summed it up saying, “About 2 months into counseling I realized I actually just was infatuated with both my lovers.  It wasn’t real love, it was a kind of false love.  Now I’m in a pretty traditional, heterosexual relationship, full of healthy, real love.  It’s so different than infatuation.  There’s more kindness, deep communication, delightful compatibility, and the tender, precious feelings are so plentiful.  Well, as you can see, Bi’s like everyone else can be deceived by false forms of love and Betty’s resolution is another way things can turn out.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly


Love Success Question
How do you want to see yourself respond to someone who’s very personable, admirable, attractive and inviting you into a Bi experience?


Alphabet Love Test

To take this test, first read the brief statement of what love can be given for each letter of the alphabet.  Then read the sentence below the statement and choose the answer (and record the number) which comes closest to your own..  If you do not know or cannot be sure enough, record a zero for your answer.  However, it is best to make the ‘best guess’ you can, coming as close as possible to what you think your answer might be so you do not have too many zero scores.  Choose only one answer for each stimulus sentence.


A   Love Can Be Affectionate
      I show love affectionately     1. Badly     2. Poorly     3. Fairly well     4. Very well.
B   Love Can Be Beneficial
      I act to benefit those I love    1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often     4. Quite frequently
C   Love Can Be Caring
      I show I care to those I love   1. Ineptly    2. Tolerably well    3. Quite well    4. Very well.
D   Love Can Be a Delight
      I obviously delight in those I love   1. Rarely   2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently.
E   Love Can Be Enriching
      I realize the enrichment of other’s love   1. Rarely    2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently
F   Love Can Be Fun
      I do ‘fun love’     1. Rarely     2. Seldom     3. Often     4. Quite frequently
G   Love Can Be Giving
      I express love through giving  1. Deficiently   2. Mediocre   3. Moderately well   4 Quite well
H   Love Can Be Helpful
      I am helpful to those I love    1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often    4. Quite frequently
I   Love Can Be Intimate
      Emotional intimacy for me is   1. Laborious    2. Difficult    3. Pleasurable    4. Superb
J   Love Can Be Joyful
      I experience the joy of love   1. Deficiently    2. Mildly    3. Strongly    4. Powerfully
K   Love Can Be Kind
      I show loving kindness   1. Rarely   2. Seldom   3. Often   4. Quite frequently.
L   Love Can Be Liberating
      I feel love’ s liberating influence  1. Rarely    2. Seldom    3. Often    4. Quite frequently
M   Love Can Be Merciful
      I give merciful love  1. With great difficulty    2 reluctantly    3. Easily    4. Abundantly
N   Love Can Be Nurturing
      I nurture others with love  1. Poorly    2 Tolerably well    3. Moderately well    4. Very well
O   Love Can Be Observant
      I observe those I love   1. Inadequately    2. Sporadically    3. Carefully    4. Expertly
P   Love Can Be Powerful
      I exhibit powerful love  1. Sparsely     2. Tenuously     3. Commonly     4. Marvelously
Q   Love Can Be Questing
      Via love I quest for growth and improvement  1. Passively   2. Modestly   3.Enthusiastically  4. Passionately
R   Love Can Be Receptive
      I receive love   1. Badly    2. Poorly    3. Fairly well    4. Extremely well
S   Love Can Be Sexual
      I mix love and sexuality  1. Almost never     2 Incompetently     3. Well     4. Superbly
T   Love Can Be Tender
      I give tender love  1. Awkwardly     2. Clumsily     3. Tolerably well     4. Expertly
U   Love Can Be Unconditional
      At offering unconditional love I am   1. At a loss    2. Reluctant    3. Liberal    4. Generous
V   Love Can Be Victorious
      I strive to win with love   1. Never     2. Infrequently     3. Frequently     4. Consistently
W   Love Can Be Willing
      I give my willingness to those I love   1. Miserly    2 Sporadically    3. Freely    4. Joyously
X   Love Can Be Xenial. (Hospitable)
      With those I love I am xenial   1. With resistance    2. Dutifully    3. Pleasantly    4. Happily
Y   Love Can Be Yielding
      I yield to those I love   1. With anger   2. With resentment   3. With acceptance   4. With ease
Z   Love Can Be Zestful
      I zestfully join with those I love  1. Hardly ever   2. Not often enough   3. Fairly often   4. Quite often

Scoring
The number corresponding to your response on each question is your Score for each sentence.  If you chose a number ‘1.’ response your score is one.  If your answer was a ‘2.’ response your score is 2 on that item, and so forth.  Add up all your ‘1.’ responses, ‘2.’ responses, ‘3.’ responses and ‘4.’ responses; then add them all together for your TOTAL Score.  Do not add your zero (don’t know & not sure) responses.  Now, use the following scale to interpret your score.

Scores zero – 26 suggest you may not know enough about yourself and healthy, real love, how it’s done and how to evaluate yourself in relationship to healthy, real love.  A lack of love knowledge may lead to love failure.  Considerable study of love, therefore, is recommended, perhaps coupled with developing your introspection skills.

Scores 27 – 52 suggest you may not have given love and how to do it well and successfully anywhere near enough attention and, therefore, love failures may be all too likely in your life.  Lots of study of the behaviors that convey love (See “An Behavioral (Operational) Definition of Love”) and those that help love grow and develop, followed by practicing what you learn is recommended for your consideration.

Scores 53 – 78 suggest you are doing the actions that lead, at least, to a fairly successful chance at succeeding at love, and that it will be wise for you to study and learn more of the skills, techniques and ways of healthy, real love.

Scores 79 – 104 suggest you have a well above average understanding of how to grow and develop a healthy love relationship or that you are giving yourself too much credit and may be in denial about how much you need to learn.

It is useful to go back and study your lowest scores on each of the above sentences, thinking of them as possible areas you might do well to make improvements in.  Studying your highest scores may tell you something about your strengths concerning healthy, real love.  Developing your strengths even further as you also strengthen the weakest areas is considered a rather good strategy.

The Alphabet Love Test also may provide a good exercise for a couple to do together, and it also can be used by families and friends.

The Alphabet Love Test is just one of many ways to get a bit clearer and more well-informed about yourself and your healthy, real love strengths and weaknesses.  It is not to be considered a definitive instrument as it only has what is called face validity.  It, however, may provide a rather good stimulus for thinking about love and factors that have to do with love in their many, rich and varied forms.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly


Love Success Question
Do you consider yourself to be a student of love, or do you mostly let love and your love relationships be a matter of luck and whatever you learned growing up?  Which is your guess as to which of these approaches gets the better results and which does not?

Competitive Niceness: A Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson first introduces competitive niceness; it then tells how it helps circular good things to happen in a love relationship; reviews how to develop this love skill; and addresses how to get past problems that might occur.


In a Happy Land

Most appropriately, we were in Denmark when we first heard about “competitive niceness” (Danes are the happiest people according to national comparison research). Competitive niceness had brought Phil and Gay’s long-standing marriage much good. Gay told of how one morning she was feeling puny and Phil brought her a cup of tea without asking him to do that. She thought something like “How very nice. It makes me want to do something nice for him, and I did”. She also noticed that she felt better.

Just about every morning since Phil has brought her a cup of morning tea, and has done other nice things that move her to do nice things for him – not because she has to but because she wants to. She wants to treat him as nice or nicer than he is treating her. Phil related it is a fun game they play with each other which reaps many good, loving feelings. They compete on treating each other well and it has been making them happy together ever since.

Later we met some other couples who practice another version of competitive niceness. They compete with themselves to ‘out do’ their own last loving, ‘nice’ action toward one another and toward other members of their family. That seems to work wonders for all concerned. Still others compete by keeping track of their ‘nice’ acts toward those they love. They are always working on making their list of nice love actions longer and better than it was before. Competitive niceness and kindness seems to benefit whole families and friendship networks, bringing them a lot closer to one another, not to mention having more fun with one another.

A Circular Good

If I do a ‘nice, kind, pleasant’ love action towards you or for you and you do one for me, we have created a circular event of good, positive, love-giving actions. If we repeat this over and over, we create an ‘ongoing cycle’ and a ‘couple’s teamwork habit’ of cycling positive, love-giving behaviors. That can help us grow our love bonding together and help pre-counterbalance whatever might be difficult or go wrong in our love relationship later.

Competitive niceness is an example of loving teamwork operating in a “I win, you win, nobody loses” style. It also sets forth good examples for children to model on. Done lightheartedly it tends to produce a lot of smiles and laughter together. Therefore, this is an example of the kind of love skill, and the most important dynamic, which creates successful love relationships – that of mutually sending and receiving actions that convey love. We call that a circular good.

Developing Your Competitive Niceness Love Skills

Go do something nice for someone you love, maybe as a surprise. Don’t make it a big deal or be too elaborate – short, simple and quick will do just fine. It could involve a favor, a small gift, something funny or just creating a nice little experience. Enjoy thinking it up, then enjoy giving or doing it, enjoy the positiveness it creates for your loved one, and then enjoy your loved one’s reaction.

You then could challenge them to do likewise, or talk over the idea of doing an additive competitive niceness with one another as a fun game to play, or you could just see what happens after your first extra act of loving niceness. Either way, keep doing daily actions and enjoying them. After several weeks of doing that, it is likely to become a good habit. Especially is this true if you both are having fun being competitively nice to each other.

If right now you are a couple reading this, you might want to have a little discussion to see if you want to teamwork together and experiment with creating a joint competitive niceness game. Remember the idea is not to defeat your loved one by doing better than they do, but just to enjoy the process of being competitively nice.

Problems?

If your actions seem to go unnoticed, unappreciated or unreturned you have some options. You can give hints. You also could lightheartedly say that there might be something your loved one is missing or not noticing, and they might enjoy noticing it. Then make a bit of a guessing game about it. Or you could just directly request your loved one to notice, understand and appreciate certain behaviors you are doing. Be sure to say it in a happy, upbeat sort of way. It is important not to do ‘guilt trips’, criticize or blame. If they cooperate with this, be sure to thank them, praise them and maybe hug them.

A special thanks to Gay and Phil for introducing us to Competitive Niceness!

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly


Love Success Question
What is a nice thing you did for someone that made you feel good? Will you do it again or something like it again soon?


An Alphabet of Love's Good Feelings


Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson starts with a little introduction to love and feelings; then gives you more than 150 positive emotions that can be brought on by love; and ends with some things you can do to use this list to enhance a love relationship.


Love and Feelings

Love causes, triggers and brings about a vast array of various good or pleasurable emotions.  It also can stimulate a number of positive, physical feelings.  Knowing the names of the emotions of love can greatly help people who love each other communicate their love, improve their love and better experience their love.  Remember, love itself is not an emotion but a vital, powerful, natural process of which the feelings are only a part.  Getting familiar with love’s many good feelings can help you assist those you love to experience those good feelings and have them yourself.

150+ Positive Emotions That Can Be Brought on by Love

A.      Affection, Awe, Attractive, Astonished, Assured, Ascendant
B.      Benevolent, Brave, Blithe, Blessed, Blossoming, Buoyant
C.      Compassion, Care, Concern, Connection, Complete, Capable, Carefree
D.      Devotion, Desire, Desirable, Determined, Dreamy, Dutiful
E.      Excited, Extraordinary, Empathy, Earnest, Enhanced, Ecstatic
F.       Friendship, Fondness, Forgiven, Free, Fulfilled, Fruitful
G.      Grand, Giddy, Genial, Gleeful, Gallant, Game, Generous
H.      Happy, Huggable, Hope, Honor, Humorous, Harmonious
I.      Intrigued, Ideal, Idolized, Impish, Important, Irresistible
J.       Joy, Jaunty, Joined, Jubilant, Juicy, Justified
K.      Kind, Keen, Kinky, Known, Kinship, Kissable
L.      Loving, Lovable, Lively, Likable, Liberated, Loyalty
M.      Merry, Magical, Magnificent, Mated, Meaningful, Masterful
N.      Naughty, Nice, Nurturing, Nourished, New, Notable
O.      Open, OK, Opulent, Obliging, Optimistic, Oceanic
P.      Protected, Private, Passion, Patient, Perky, Purposeful
Q.      Quiet, Qualified, Quickened, Quivery, Quizzical, Quirky
R.      Racy, Radiant, Rapture, Reassured, Receptive, Romantic
S.      Sacred, Sexy, Safe, Self confident, Sensational, Seen
T.      Tender, Teasing, Tenacious, Touched, Thrilled, Together
U.      Unbeatable, Union, Unity, Universal, Up-lifted, Useful
V.      Validated, Valiant, Valid, Victorious, Vivacious, Venerating
W.     Warm, Well, Worthwhile, Wonderful, Worthy, Wonderful
X.      Xenophilic, X-rated, Xenial,
Y.      Youthful, Yearning, Yielding, Yummy, Yenful
Z.      Zany, Zestful, Zippy, Zealous, Zooming, Zenithal

Some Things You Can Do with This List

With someone you love, pick out 20 of the named emotions from the list and talk with each other about how you could lovingly do things together that would produce the feelings you soon want to have.

With someone you love, pick out one named emotion from each letter of the alphabet and ask, “Before you met me, tell me about a time in your life when you felt this emotion?”.  (This can help both of you share your positive, personal, emotion histories).

With someone you love, talk about which emotions in the list you most want to experience more of, and which you think are the most important in your relationship.

Now, create some other things you can do with this list to enhance your love relationships.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly


Love Success Question
Have you shared with someone you love the most emotionally moving events of your life?


Loneliness and Love

Synopsis: First this mini-love-lesson covers the surprising ways loneliness harms us; then the issues of ignore, fight, escape, just get used to loneliness, or what?; doing what loneliness wants you to do; a cautionary note; Ricardo’s example and Ricardo’s results, (can they be yours?).


Surprising Ways Loneliness Harms Us

Recent research shows loneliness is especially bad for your brain.  What is bad for your brain can be bad for many of your body’s health processes and systems because the brain influences and regulates them.  Loneliness also is bad for your psychological health and that can influence everything else in your life.  One study of over 8000 men and women showed the lonely have up to a 20% faster rate of decline in mental abilities.

Those who have prolonged loneliness are seen to have more stress illnesses and a greater likelihood of having brain inflammation problems.  Loneliness can be seen as a component of love malnutrition or love starvation, which is understood to have a very negative impact on our immunity mechanisms, cancer resistance, blood pressure and a host of other physical problems.

Ignore, Fight, Escape, Just Get Used To It – or ???

Many people try to escape their loneliness by diving into their work, business or various other involvements.  Some try to escape into substance abuse or various behavioral addictions.  Others get some temporary help from antidepressants and other medications.  Another group of people try to fight loneliness seeing it as some kind of weakness or enemy.  Still others see it as just one more human emotion to be ignored.  Learning to live with it can dull the pain but the damage being done by prolonged loneliness  still can happen.  Usually none of these approaches prove to best serve our health or well-being. At best, they may provide some assistance in the short run but they can turn out to be quite bad for us in the long run, or at most, useless.

So what are we to do?  Wallow in our loneliness and just let it do all the harm it can?  Of course not, that won’t help but there is a way that will.

Doing What Loneliness Wants You to Do!

Like all emotions, loneliness was created in us to do us some good, even though it feels bad, sometimes extremely bad.  It may in fact get worse for not doing what the feeling of loneliness wants us to do.  When we follow the guidance message in loneliness, the bad feelings tend to subside.  Sometimes they begin to subside as soon as we get loneliness’s message, even before we have begun to follow that message with action.  So what is the healthful, constructive, guidance message in the feeling we call loneliness?

Basically loneliness can be seen as an emotional message telling us to go in search of love in any of its many forms.  If you can’t find love quickly, go in search of “like” or at least tolerable company first because that might be on the way to healthy, real love.

It also is important to know that it is not just about romantic love, as our culture and/or family training may have subconsciously programmed us to think.  We are a gregarious species, meant to connect with each other and especially to connect in love relationships with one another.  So, hear the guidance message of loneliness telling you to go in search of new or renewed love.

You may be de-energized from your loneliness, think searching for love is too much work, you don’t have what it takes, love is all a matter of luck anyway and your luck in love is bad, and 100 other self sabotaging negatives with which to block yourself from taking productive action.  Remember, your loneliness may just get worse if you do that.  And none of those blocking mechanisms get you to a new and better place though they might help you rest up a bit first.

A Cautionary Note

As I have emphasized before, all our emotions, even the most painful ones, were created in us to do us constructive, healthy good though they may overdo it, under do it, or mis-do it like all human systems.  If you get any kind of interpretation of an emotion’s guidance message that is destructive to yourself or to anyone, it may have cathartic value but that is all.  Acting destructively is almost always destructive to yourself and not the real guidance message of any emotion.  Unless your interpretation of an emotion’s guidance message goes toward health and well-being, probably for all concerned, it is likely not to be your best or most accurate interpretation.

Following Ricardo’s Example to Love

Ricardo was laying awake night after night, hurting badly with loneliness.  He tried various prescription medications, then alcohol and other substances but nothing seemed to help all that much.  Some people at work, including his boss, pressured and nagged him into going to a counselor, and he went along with that just to get them off his back.  He expected to have to dredge up a lot of his past which would just use up a lot of time and money, but he thought he could probably cut it short being able to say okay, he tried that and it didn’t work either.  He was surprised that his counselor didn’t want to talk much about his past but wanted him to do some immediate things that might be helpful.

After resisting and just a few sessions later, Ricardo got himself a pet dog and everything started changing for the better.  He learned that a good pet dog is perhaps the world’s quickest and surest way to get some good, healthy love.  Brain studies of canines show evidence that, in brain functioning, dogs really do love pretty much just like we do and it is not just because we feed and pet them.

In counseling Ricardo did have to do some work on his blocks and fears that had some causation from his past, but mostly it was about understanding and following the guidance messages in his emotions.  It wasn’t long before Ricardo tentatively went in search of new involvements and new acquaintances.  He went online and discovered some groups with similar interests to his own, and with reluctance got himself to some meetings.  The new acquaintances showed him that new friendships might develop and were even likely.  He then looked up some relatives that he had lost contact with and a renewed family love possibility came out of that.

Ricardo volunteered to help in a cause he believed was good, and surprise surprise, out of that came a new romantic interest.  He took a class in something he was intrigued by and that yielded some more very interesting new people in his life.  He got involved in a religious connected singles group and out of that came a sense of spiritual love that he had not known before, plus some other new friends.  In counseling Ricardo learned about healthy, self-love and that there is a lot of good that comes from that.

Ricardo’s Results

Today Ricardo has a small group of deep, close friends he feels very bonded with, a renewed family love connection, a wide network of medium and milder friends, a fine and growing romantic love relationship and a much improved, healthy self-love.  Ricardo is not lonely anymore.

Whether loneliness comes from months or years of aloneness, or the death of a mate, or from shyness or any other reason, the prescription is the same: overcome reluctance and connect with others, and grow a loving support network for your health and well being.

Can you follow Ricardo’s example if you are struggling with loneliness?  I suspect you can, and hopefully you will if you need to.  It would be a healthy act of self-love and self-care, if loneliness is pushing at you, to do something rather similar to what Ricardo did.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly


Love Success Question

Are you willing to be a good friend so as to do your share of having a good, friendship love relationship?