Some people can talk with love about sex to a close, intimate friend but not to a spouse or lover. Many parents trying to instruct their children about sex do it in very loveless ways. For others talking to a teenager concerning sex in ways that are love-filled is almost impossible. Many people can’t talk to their family members about sex at all, let alone in ways that convey love. Many people long to have more love in their sex lives but they don’t know how to talk about or ask for that very well.
Others want more sex in their love lives but they sure don’t know how to lovingly converse about that. And then there are some who are vaguely aware that something is missing, which if they talked about it would probably turn out to be communications of love that are missing. Sadly they don’t know how to talk about that so this important missing element is never discovered or dealt with.
For so many people learning how to talk about ways to grow and mix healthy real love with sexuality would lead to satisfying unmet desires and greatly, even profoundly, enrich their lives. Regrettably that is something they mostly are unaware of so that way of talking probably won’t happen. You may ask, how did these blocks or inabilities come to be? Let’s look and see if one or more of these causes and initiating factors happened to you.
Lots of people grew up in homes where no one talked about sex. If that happened to you you were probably being subconsciously programmed not to talk about sex at all or to have a very hard time talking about it. Other people grew up in families that talked about sex only in negative ways of one type or another. If in your family sex was talked about with heavy emotional tones of guilt, disgust, revulsion, judgmentalism, fear, nastiness or any other negative mood or mindset you could have been programmed to talk about sex in similar negative ways and perhaps not even realize it.
Some of us were raised in homes where adults talked about sex in flat, matter-of-fact ways or in puzzling, unclear ways. When sex is mentioned today we may talk in that same matter-of-fact or puzzling, unclear way. For a great many others any mention of sex was embarrassing, shameful, sinful, and something God was against; and as adults it still is. There is another group when growing up perceived talking about sex as a naughty pleasure. Everything referring to sex resulted in a delicious tasting of forbidden fruit. Thus, sex talk was fun but love was not a part of it. Love, therefore, still may be absent or minimal when communicating about sex for people raised this way.
Another common background for many has to do with a conflicted subconscious programming. Parents taught talking about sex was “bad” but siblings and friends taught sex talk was “good” in that it was exciting, powerful, independent, and more adult. This especially seemed true if sex talk was sufficiently shocking, nasty, dirty, raunchy, filthy, salacious, etc.. Such talk was ‘socially forbidden’, therefore, it was filled with the raptures of secret rebellion. This too had a subconscious programming effect which lingers in the minds of many adults today. All this means that too few of today’s adults who were raised in the Western world (and in some other parts of the world) grew up hearing sex talked about with loving words and tones of voice, coupled with loving looks and a general atmosphere of simple, loving okayness. Love and sex effectively often have been uncoupled, divided and set apart from each other, at least as far as talk is concerned.
Let’s look at what to do to make this better.
Ask yourself these three questions. Can you converse about sex with a mate, lover, friends, family members, a child you’re raising, a teenager or even with yourself with love? Do you talk or avoid talking about sex in a way that avoids being loving? Can you do a good job of mixing the words, sounds and looks of love with the words, sounds and looks of sexuality and the erotic? If you can, be proud and happy, but also know that some of those you talk to in more personal ways may need some help in learning to do the same.
To talk about sex with love consider these words which sometimes are used to describe talking with love:
>>>Kind, caring, sweet, happy, tender, joyful, intimate, fun, affirming, praising, thankful, nonjudgmental, accepting, gentle, reassuring, challenging, honest, appreciative, celebratory, laudatory, passionate, reverent, zestful, precious, heartfelt, inspiring, adoring, close, delightful<<<
Can you talk about sex with yourself and others you love in the moods indicated by each of the above words? If not, it might be good for you, and maybe for those who are closest to you, to work on learning how to speak about sex, sexiness and the erotic in at least a few of those loving moods.
Remember, doing a good job of talking together is not just about the words we use. It also is about how well we listen and about the manner in which we receive and deliver messages. A wink, a subtle smile, a whisper, a tonal change, the use of an innuendo and a great many other behaviors can empower or de-power our message, shape interpretation, convey emotions and deliver the ‘between the lines’ message. All this especially is important when talking together about sex with someone you love.
The mood or manner in which we talk about sexuality often is far more important than the words spoken. Mixing highly seductive intonations and strongly suggestive looks, postures and gestures with the sounds, looks and words of love can be enormously impactful in a personal relationship. Happily and lovingly explaining sex to a child mixed with a certain amount of matter-of-factness can have a very positive effect in guiding a child toward a healthy, happy understanding of sexuality. Being kind and caring while discussing a sexual difficulty may be crucial to overcoming the difficulty. Being enthusiastically sexual with loving overtones can produce more superb, erotic love experiences. Speaking intimately naughty but ever so lovingly friendly is another way to shape mood and manner in a positive fashion.
Sex talk with loving laughter, smiles and caresses can work to attain an atmosphere of intimate, relaxed, happy eroticism in which love with sex easily flows. For many the success or failure of asking a love mate to try something new sexually depends on how lovingly the request is made. Sweet, tender, gentle, reassuring, and above all else love-filled talk about a sex conflict often is essential for the conflict’s resolution. Heading into a new sex adventure together is frequently best started with strong, solid expressions of love for one another.
Another way to make talking about sex a love experience has to do with stating appreciation, thankfulness, praise, compliments and generally speaking in a laudatory fashion to and about your love mate. Likewise, talking about sex and listening to someone else talk about sex with tolerance, open-mindedness, affirmation and kindness also can help make the talk a love-filled event. And, of course, using terms of loving endearment like sweetheart, darling, honey, etc. can add quite a lot of love to sex talk.
For most couples doing well at talking about sex with one another is very important. It may determine not only how well their sex life goes but influence a great deal more in their all over relationship. How generally open, honest, intimate and real people can come to be with each other is frequently guided by how well they lovingly talk about sex with one another. This can be true not only for couples but for close, intimate friends as well. How lovingly people treat their love mate’s sex questions, requests and desires often determines how honest and self disclosing a person feels they can be in a relationship.
So crucial to a couple’s sexual development is the ability to hear ‘with love’ what turns on a love mate, what sex fantasies are imagined, what taboo explorations are secretly hoped for, what’s hard to talk about and, most of all, what’s desired. Without demonstrations and expressions of love mixed into a couple’s sex communications there is a likelihood that censorship, inhibition, deception, intolerance, judgmentalism, boredom, emotional distancing and simple discomfort will grow.
Another part of mixing love and sex together in talk has to do with your healthy self-love and how you talk to yourself about your own sexuality. In your internal dialogue can you speak with love to yourself about the erotic you? Can you affirm the natural goodness and healthfulness of the sexuality you were born to experience? Are you able to praise and give thanks for your sexual system and all the many good feelings it gives you? Have you freed yourself of the unhealthy, anti-sexual and anti-self-loving influences that may have impacted you? Are you able to love your own sexuality as a precious part of the bundle of miracles that you are? Is your self talk increasingly loving and positive when it comes to your own sexuality?
It takes a bit of doing to overcome our subconscious programs from childhood that influence how we speak and don’t speak about love and sex. To get a sense of this difficulty imagine you are talking, teaching and answering the questions of teen boys and girls concerning erections, vaginal lubrication, sexual intercourse, menstrual cramps, ejaculate, yeast infections, masturbation, orgasm, the G spot, birth control, STD’s, foreplay, condoms, oral sex, bi-sexuality homosexuality, hypo- and hyper-sexuality and polygamous sex; and imagine you are doing it in a way that connects it all with reassuring love. This is the challenge facing parents who have decided to do a thorough job of sexually educating their offspring. Many would have some problems talking about these things coupled with love to their closest adult friends because of their childhood programs to be embarrassed, ashamed, etc. Yet, the better we frankly can talk with love the better we can solve problems, avoid difficulties, achieve advancement and make growth occur in being lovingly sexual and sexually loving.
To overcome our subconscious programs that work against talking in a sex with love way often takes dedication and perseverance. Those who practice it find the effort highly worthwhile.
Communicating with love and sex mixed together may be a primary way most couples build a sense of deep connectedness. Without the love included a more limited, more narrow, more reserved and more distancing way of relating may be the result. Experiencing the love your love mate has in their heart for you makes everything you do sexually together better. It is the love that empowers sex to be dealt with in ways that enable sexual explorations, adventures, advancements, creativity, freedom, abandonment of inhibitions, and mutual attainment of erotic spiritual heights. When love and sex are mixed together and well communicated awesome, oceanic, transcendental experiences of Eros may result. Traveling together toward such incredible shared ecstasy can begin with developing your ability to talk about sex with love.
As always, grow in love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question With whom are you actually going to talk to about mixing love and sex and the ideas in this blog entry; and how might that be for you?
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