Synopsis: How Karen loves Lester “really good” and how she learned,
10 surprising things to notice and make powerful love improvements with,
The dark side of this issue and how to go to the bright side.
Lester said, “The way Karen treats me
when we talk gives me a real sense that she loves me. No one else has
ever done that as well as she does”. Lester was asked, “How does she do
that”? He replied, “She does that by her face lighting up every time
she sees me, and she gives me these great big smiles. At the same time
her voice gets happy, she usually moves toward me, touches me and is
happily animated in all sorts of little ways. When we sit down together
she leans toward me and her looks change a little with each thing she
or I say. That tells me she’s really tuned-in to me, is involved and is
really feeling things as we talk.
It doesn’t matter what we talk about
because most of it, maybe all of it, feels like love is happening with
every little gesture and sound. Sometimes she briefly glances away when
trying to remember or figure out something but then she’s back looking
straight at me with a hundred different loving expressions dancing
across her face. She’s wonderful that way!”
Lester is lucky. He is with a woman who is really good at
expressional love. Karen says she wasn’t always that way. She tells of
growing up in a family where everyone was usually reserved, monotone
and stone-faced. Never-the less she learned. As a child Karen told of
being forced to be part of a school play, and there a teacher who
understood the importance of expressional language worked with her. She
laughed at herself when she said as a kid she got quite silly and
melodramatic, but people paid attention to her and that was better than
what happened at home where she felt mostly invisible and lonely.
Lester says he sort of copies Karen because she is really effective, not
only with him but with everyone else too.
By copying her he’s become
more demonstrative to their children, friends and family, and even at
work. He also proudly proclaims being more like his wife in these ways
is paying off quite nicely in every area of his life. Lester said, “The
people who are important to me want to listen to me more, include me
more, pay more attention to me, and I’m a lot more effective with
everyone than I used to be. It’s all because I’ve become a lot more
“love expressive” as my counselor calls it. Now it’s just the way I
come across. Karen likes it too and that’s doing our marriage so much
good”.
To learn how to
talk love without words and do it really well let me suggest this is what you can do.
First, study other people who come across friendly and loving but
also effective in their dealings with others. We are surrounded by people who demonstrate examples of the language of expressional, nonverbal love-- friends who are happy and caring, loving grandparents, even strangers or actors on TV or in movies. To do this studying please
pay attention to the following:
1.
Notice Faces, especially smiles, looks of
empathy, eye contact, looks that seem to express positive regard,
support, concerned interest, pride in others, joy, sweet intimacy and
everything you can figure out to notice about facial expressions showing
positive feelings.
2.
Notice Voices, especially the tones of
lovingness, friendliness happy assertiveness, kindness, care, intimacy
revealed, connectedness, pride in loved ones, acceptance, the
intonations of non-judgmentalism, tenderness, boisterous support, happy
self-disclosure with a touch of embarrassment, empathy, unbridled shared
ecstasy, serene quietness, and up-beat feelings; all are ways to
express your
love without words.
3.
Notice Gestures, especially how love effective
people do open arm greetings, wave hello and goodbye, signal
inclusiveness, friendliness, gestures of expressed positive emotion,
especially acceptance, approval (as in thumbs-up and V for victory), and
the many hand and arm gestures which signal subtle indications of
comradeship and “I’m with you”.
4.
Notice Posture expression, especially posture
changes that show turning to include, standing and sitting open to
receiving, friendly leaning forward, standing with, gracefully moving
out of the way, respectfully making room for, and standing tall in
support of loved ones.
5.
Notice Touching which is love expressive,
including friendly “tap touches”, strong but not too hard hand shaking,
one arm “Buddy” hugs, pats on the back, tiny caressing, cheek kissing,
fast and slow ‘up-thrust’ pressure hugs, empathetic and emotionally
intimate nonsexual physical contact, gentle holding, tender rubbing,
hand holding, leg to leg touching, full body and A frame hugging,
movement filled touch, and calming still touch; all of these are ways to
“talk” love without words.
6.
Notice Timing, especially as expressed in not
talking louder and at the same time loved ones are speaking, waiting for
appropriate pauses and until someone is finished, replying in pace
(usually not faster or slower), checking to see if a loved one has
caught up with you or you with them, avoiding being accidentally
interruptive or invasive, and choosing appropriateness of a topic to the
situation; all of which can influence your behavioral messages of love.
7.
Noticing Closeness, especially being with,
standing with, sitting next to, moving closer, closing space gaps and
distancing when appropriate, cycling away and back to a loved one
periodically, allowing closeness to happen, being aware of another’s
safe distancing, spatial boundaries and boundary reduction, friendly
closeness, intimate closeness, private and public closeness differences,
formal and informal closeness behavior, and doing uncomfortable
closeness when it is needed; these also are part of how we ‘
talk’ love without words.
8.
Notice Active Listening behaviors as in making
good eye contact when a loved one is talking, doing silent
corresponding facial expressions to another’s speech and facial
expression changes, nodding approval and acceptance, harmonizing body
and gesture movements with a loved ones movements as they speak,
obviously paying close attention, avoiding bored, blank or looking away
too much, refraining from stone-faced and robot like motions, and being
generally synchronized in movements and tones when a loved one is
conveying their messages. This too is very much a part of
talking love without words.
9.
Notice Responsive Receptiveness as in quickly
turning toward a loved one who is starting to speak, focusing on the
same topic a loved one is talking about, responding in a friendly manner
to a loved one’s input or questions with at least a sound indicating
having heard the loved one speak, returning greetings, friendly
acknowledging of messages received, and being generally pleasantly
responsive to whatever a loved one initiates even if declining or
disagreeing. Remember receptional love is one of the eight major groups
of behavior by which love is directly conveyed (see the entry “
A Behavioral (Operational) Definition of Love”).
10.
Notice Assertive Action conveying love as in
suddenly kissing a loved one, reaching and lovingly grasping a loved
one’s hand, giving an approval whistle, handing over a surprise gift,
initiating flirting with your eyes and other looks, saying common things
with intimate special personal tones, a wink, initiating hugs and
cuddling, romantically lighting a candle, making lingering eye contact
with a special smile, and the many other actions which can assertively
convey love without words
.
Once you have begun to note how loving and effective others do
things, begin to notice your own ways of behaving in each of the above
10 categories. To do this some people watch videos of themselves at
family and friendship gatherings looking for how they can improve.
Others listen to recordings of their own voice searching for tonal
improvements to make. Still others ask friends and family for honest
feedback on how they can improve the way they come across when showing
love. Taking a personal speech class (often offered in a continuing
education class at local colleges), or being in a counseling group where
everybody gives each other improvement feedback can work wonders.
Raising into conscious awareness the things talked about in this site’s
entry and others like it may trigger a substantial change. Adding more
exact personal goals for improvement also will do if you practice
specific desired changes enough.
Now, let us dare to look at the dark side of this issue. What happens to those who do not learn enough about how to
talk love without words.
For some, things go along tolerably well but for others in love
relationships destructive problems arise and sometimes disaster occurs.
Hear what Rita had to say about Rex. “Rex told me he still loved me
and wanted our marriage to work but I decided to go ahead with a divorce
because I believed what the rest of him was telling me. You see, as he
told me the words I wanted to hear and believe his actions said the
opposite.
As he spoke the right words his head often was shaking no,
his voice usually was flat and had no real feeling in it, he frequently
leaned back in his chair away from me, and his hands just hung there
limp with his eyes looking past me. Worst of all his face was like a
mask without expression. That was just too much evidence contradicting
his words. I think his words lied but his behaviors told the truth and
that’s what I’m going to act on”. Hear what Trey said about Carmen.
“Carmen was always the same. Polite, even sweet but I could never tell
what she was really feeling.
There was never much variation, or at
least not very often. Maybe she over did it with Botox or something
because her facial expression was always the same, a kind of pleasant,
plastic smile – but that was all. Her voice never told me anything
either. I once dreamed she was manufactured by a toy company. So we
aren’t together anymore. When I broke it off she said she was sad but
there weren’t any tears so I don’t think she cared that much, but who
could tell”. Here’s another type of non-expressional couple problem.
Emily said of Colin, “All he ever does is try to look and sound strong
or tough. It’s like he’s made out of stone or steel or something. I’m
done with that. I want a guy who can show me all the feelings humans
have”.
Well now, I think you can draw your own conclusions about the necessity and desirability of learning to
talk love without words.
Here’s one last suggestion for avoiding the dark side and going to the
bright side of this issue. Pick just one, or at most two of the above
10 items having to do with
talking love without words
and focus on that. Decide for yourself a few specific improvements to
practice for a couple of weeks, keeping track of each time you perform a
practice action.
Reward yourself for doing that, and then go on to
another item. It’s important not to overwhelm or even just “whelm”
yourself by taking on too much at once. Trying to improve 10 things all
at once is definitely too much. Also you might want to talk to a loved
one about these items and see if they would want to choose a few in
which to make improvements. The best of luck in learning and practicing
all the subtle and bold forms of
talking love without words!
As always, Grow and Go with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question
On a scale of zero to 10 (10 being best) how do you rate yourself on your ability to
communicate love without words to those most dear to you? (You could rate yourself on each of the 10 items listed above).
